Friday, October 12, 2007

Anger Management: Patience

“Patience is a Virtue”

Fine. I’ve heard about this like a thousand times, “Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue” WHAT THE HECK! Do people always have to stick to that Rule? How important is Virtue anyway? Is it more imperative than being honest to ones self?

I wish somebody could tell me that being right is better than being happy.

Generally speaking the echo of patience is vague. Many people say that being patient takes you somewhere you deserve, and the crops of it will shower you with infinite satisfaction. However, does this rule apply when people keeps on ditching you? Is this some kind of a yield for people to become so damn insensitive? A person that is patient enough gives other people the license to chuck him. I robustly deem to the fact that sometimes, or most of the time, a person becomes abusive of the things that are readily available to him/her. Only that, quandary launches when people become subjects of their own virtues. The intensity of one’s insensitivity is subject to befall to the consequences of patience and forgiveness.

Many times I’ve wondered if indeed there is a Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson’s character in Anger Management), wishing and hoping that I can get options or sort off redirection to divert all my antagonisms. I hardly ever lodge grudges against people, and if I did, it won’t even last a day. People hardly gets a NO from me, most of the time it’s either a YES or OKAY! It’s a weakness I am aware of, and it’s something I’ve been really trying to get rid. This is the kind of weakness people grab and take advantage. For the past months I’ve grown mature of the things and people around me. Getting a glimpse of whose who and who’s suppose to. I came to discern that a few people suddenly went off track because it seems I’m no longer that useful to them. Never the less, who cares…. THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR… but YES, that is also where it all hurts. Finding out the people who’s a part of your PRIORITY considers you to be just an OPTION. People say love friends UNCONDITIONALY, which means getting hurt is a part of the whole deal. However, does UNCONDITIONAL LOVE excuse friends from ditching you over and over again, and those who keep on breaking promises and telling lies? Often times the cut is deeper when it’s your friend who unintentionally stabs you from within.
I’ve been hurt a couple of times, I’ve been stabbed and was deprived to breath freely. I’ve been crying louder than a cat’s walk. Moments like this, makes me want to ask for an assurance that PATIENCE is a VIRTUE.

What is this VIRTUE for if deep inside I’m bleeding?
What difference it makes anyway?
Is having that Virtue far more important than having a sense of Euphoria?

à The definition of friendship is yet unrevealed for me. What’s clear is that I know and agree that friendship should always be unconditional. Never the less, I’m still bound for imperfection as all humans do. I love, get hurt, I trust, get betrayed, I’m patient, I get over used, in the end I leap to forgive and forget,,,,,, I leap to forgive and forget. Sooner or later I hope I collide with the genuine implication of patience as a virtue. Perhaps this is a part of my journey, to find out how it is to be human, yearning for perfection yet bound for imperfection.

“Forgive those who offense you seven times, but until Seventy times Seven Times”
Matthew 18.21:
“Whoever counts has not forgiven at all, but is only biding his or her time”
1 Co 13:5

Friday, October 5, 2007

Point Blank Excuses

This is just one of those days that my dopamine level seems to be excruciatingly low. I can’t work, I can’t sleep, and I am 0% productive. I attempt to brawl this moment of sentimentality, which in fact is idiopathic in nature, but all I get is a blank stare bouncing back at me.

I look around, finding things to explore yet I end up looking at stuffs that are not worth my time, or maybe just maybe, my disposition is irrevocably unpredictable. At times like this, my empty mind is crammed with thoughts that are unbearable and impossible, sometimes bizarre. Just like a person with an empty stomach, it makes you crave for food; you tend to satisfy your hunger at any expense. An empty mind works similar, you dash after any kind of information just to suit yourself, and chances are you become naïve. The intensity of this probability is manifested to such extent that occasionally you can’t limit yourself to possible discrepancies, thus, pushes you to become outrageous or indeed commendable.

Suddenly I came to a conclusion, sort off a confusion too, that unpleasant events are brought to us by people who doesn’t have anything to do. Take for example the outburst of recent issues concerning ANTI-FILIPINO statements from American TV sitcoms. I’m kind of perplexed if such statements are acceptable regardless of its intent and genuine gist, somehow questioning the factors that led those people to express such unbearable statements. I’m beginning just to consider the idea that perhaps people responsible to such statements were out of their mind. Maybe they didn’t have anything else to say or do so they bent their frustrations to people who they think are a lesser threat. People like them are those who have an empty head and heart, they become insensitive just to add fame to there name.

I am always open to the actuality that there is always a negative and a constructive effect of comings and goings. However, what we people are ought to do is to prevent that negative effect to take place. We should have that sense of responsibility to limit ourselves and shun from becoming disgraceful. People always have the option to make their actions tolerable; we cannot always blame being contemptible to such mindless excuses. Finding ourselves at point blank will neither never be an excuse, being naïve is certainly being youthful too, and just like kids we should submit to the morals of society quantifying our actions in terms of what is extremely right and wrong.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

To Friends Who Come and Go


On my younger days I’ve had the notion that friends will be there no matter what. I’ve always believe that friendship is something that makes one very vulnerable yet brings the best out of everything. On the other hand, we cannot measure friendship by the years you’ve known each other, or by being comfortable on each other’s arms, friendship is unbeaten when in fact you are able to adapt changes and stay united regardless of the circumstances.

All of us have a different definition of a real friendship, some say that true friends are those who save you from being the bad guy, some say true friends are those who join you and be a bad guy as well. Either ways, you can be both. Becoming a true friend doesn’t depend on what you do for you’re friends, but merely by your sincerity to stick with them and be there through thick and thin. Let’s face it, FRIENDS will not be there 24/7, there will be moments where you have to do things by yourself, but what friends are ought to do is to make you feel secure and confident on their absence. Friends should make you feel that even if you’re alone and down there is a guarantee that they will back you up on the edge of pandemonium.

However when you’ve been too attached to your friends, tendencies are you become dependent and secure. Thus, being too dependent and secure will eventually make you half the person you should be. By the time that your other half (FRIEND) moves out of the frame, you are paralyzed. Just like any other relationships the inability to cope with change will stress you out; it establishes some kind of chaos. Friendship is exceptionally different from any other kinds of relationships. When friends hurt you the pain is 10 times stronger, chances are, it will break that last piece of who you are.

Lately I came to notice that at a snail's pace my closest friends’ are out of boarder. I hardly ever see or talk to them.
“Hey What’s up? I miss you!”
“What happened to you? I’ve been really worried about you since the last time we talked”
“Hoy Buhay ka pa?”
“Alis naman tayo”
This is not a kind of MISCOMMUNICATION; it is rather a NO COMMUNICATION SET UP. In friendship COMMUNICATION is very important, it doesn’t matter if you say dreadful words, what matters is that you give your friend the benefit of the doubt. SILENCE speaks a thousand words, at the same time it may drown you to confusion. I respect that sometimes SILENCE and SPACE is needed to give a friend a room to breathe or think about his/her own problems in life, but it doesn’t give you the license to go on your own and leave your friends hanging in the air. You could at least give them time to prepare themselves that they are on there own. I beg to disagree to the ever famous excuse “Sorry, I’ve been busy”, friends always find time to reach out. The failure to eventually do it will mitigate the foundations of friendship.

Before you know it that BESTFRIEND YOU USED TO HAVE SUDDENLY BECOMES JUST AN AQUINATANCE (a person you just know)

In situations like this some people will just say “GIVE IT TIME, maybe he/she is in despair, be PATIENT, you have deeper understanding”. The problem sometimes is a product of being too sheltered that whatever you do, you know friends will do understand. The truth is, most of the time they don’t, most of the time they just PRETEND to appreciate the whole thing, most of the time they deny that there is in fact a gap in between those SILENCE”

“Pretending will never be effective for me, a couple of friends are gradually giving me enough reason to hibernate, and I’m starting to grow sick and tired of being overlooked. I’m beginning to feel that some people value friendship like toys, they abandon you when they find something better. I know I cannot give the world to my friends, and I’m pretty sure I’m not enough to satisfy all their comforts and luxury in life, I can neither guarantee them a 24/7 company nor stop the world from making them cry but I’m sure I will stick with them through thick and thin, through good times and bad times, through heaven and hell. And even if I come to meet new people who can feel the gaps, I will never trade my old friends. Friends may dump me or leave me; they can even pull the trigger towards me, but dumping them will never be on my vocabulary, they will always be on top of my list, they will always remain as the people who made the hell and best of who I am. The foundations of my whole being are strengthened by those people who came and go and especially by those who stayed.”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Point One Inch

A one way love affair...
Common to people who's inlove with a kid in a candy store. A love embraced by cowardness and insensitivity. When it strikes you you'll have to seek answer, you'll have to seek a chance... you have to go...When do you start moving on? When do you know when to stop? Is it worth fighting for, or its just a waste of time? Do you really have the guts to stop? Can you honestly ask your heart and force it to stop? Love is like a carcinoma... If affects the whole of you.. it metastasize... One day its gone.. but it's in fact recurrent...

.1 inch
Closer than it may seem
Heart Beats were amplified
Heart beats were running a hundred miles
Elbows were in Friction
Eyes were on the same level
Cheeks were gliding
And lips were crashing…
That’s all it took to weaken a 4 month endeavor…
Just when you thought you’re already at the apex,
One touch is too controlling to bring you back at 1.

Here we are, back to the old case scenario.
Here we are driving back that same one way street.

A very superficial .1 inch…
Yet its inner walls are drawn apart.
.1 inch seem so sweet and true
It sounds romantic on my point of view
But that sound fades as I face reality
Coz when eyes were on that same level,
Only two eyes were open.

If insensitivity scamper in your blood,
Or if indeed no feelings were enclosed
I hope and pray that on my next venture to overlook and shift,
I hope I won’t end back at one. Again not back at one.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Moving on: Nerves over Pulses

We all know that not all relationships work. At one point or the other, it doesn’t work out the way we expect it to be, it suddenly falls short. At the end of all relationships who knows where and how to start; or factually speaking how do we end it once and for all. How do we know when it is really over, how do we move on?

Many people are having a tough time moving on from relationship break ups. It’s as if it is the end of the world for them. People don’t often recognize the reality that break ups are part of relationships and life. We seldom appreciate the fact that these kinds of crisis make us grow and be better persons or partners indeed. To eventually surpass a break up, one should stop thinking that what is common to the world is unique to the person. Certainly couples break up with different reasons in such different ways, yet the feeling is mutual for everybody, there is a pinch or punch of pain. Moving on from break-ups is not as easy from what I know, but we have to acknowledge that most of the time some good things come to an end. Never the less, we have an option to make good things happen again, and that starts simply when we get over the things that already came to an end.

But then again how do we start?

The first step to getting over is that we have to step beyond denials. We have to recognize the truth that the relationship has already ended. Once details are accepted, we then have to start conditioning ourselves about wanting to move on and forget about the person. The determination of the person to move on is in fact the Golden Rule of Getting over. Actions towards something are always initiated by the willpower of the person to eventually act on it. However this does not save you from having ‘visions of what used to be’. There will always be instances where one encounters memories of what went on the course of the relationship. Events like this are normal, but it doesn’t mean that we should not act on it. The best management to such things is to habitually question one’s self why such emotions and memories arise. You have to source out the roots of such feelings and visions. Answers to such questions will lead you to the right direction, and finally makes you discover more about yourself, how you can be stronger and be more efficient on your next relationship. The last thing which is also important in getting over is that we have to talk it out. We have to let go of such thoughts and emotions that are spinning on our head. We should keep in mind, that unspoken words mean repressed emotions. Thus, such emotions will hamper you to let go of such bitterness.

Until then we have to understand that moving on literally means to look forward.
The things that we should always remember when moving on is that we have to put aside the heart and let the brain do the move.

Now, does this give us the assurance that we are ready for a new relationship?

No. Getting over someone is not a warrant that we are ready to enter a new commitment. Getting over someone only means that we have accepted that our previous relationship with them has truly ended. Only that most of the time, people tend to divert their bitterness to the person towards love. Thus, it becomes a baggage on the next relationship. This baggage contains a room for comparison. Our bitterness towards love makes us hold back because of fear that such painful event will happen again. Until we learn to set free this bitterness; that will only be the time that we are assured ready to be in a relationship again.

A friend once said “Hate the person, but not love” simple words, yet, powerful in meaning. Once you start hating love, it’s a package deal. You then start to lose that sense of identity, because you will eventually forget how to love and trust yourself. And unless you don’t know how to love yourself, it will hinder you to love other people.

If you find it too difficult too resolve problems, it is always effective to consult the heart but let the brain do the move.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Crossing the Line – Hitting Below the Belt

We usually have a hard time limiting or holding ourselves to stay behind the boundaries. When a person is highly motivated or interested into something, they have a tendency to indulge themselves on the situation, not aware that it’s too much already. Crossing the line may start in the smallest details and may end up in big ones tending to hit others below the belt.

Is there a difference between Crossing the line and Hitting Below the belt?

Trying to recognize the difference merely depends on the intention and its effect on the other person involved. Usually, people associate “Crossing the Line” as a harmful thing. Negative as it may seem, crossing the line may also be an act of bravery. There are situations when a person needs to cross the line, circumstances like telling your best friend that you’re in love with him/her. Beyond the line lays a great risk, risks that may either make the time of your life or such that may prevent you to move beyond the line for the rest of your life. It may sound as good as it seem but “hitting below the belt” shows a different scenario. In this case, you either do it unintentionally or intentionally, though such intentions are often unacceptable and bad. However, may it be intentional or not à it causes pain and hurt feelings all at the end.

Both are products of good or bad purpose, intended or not. What difference does it make anyway? The only divergence is how it distress the persons involved. A person doesn’t habitually realize the consequences of their actions. It’s an egotistical mechanism of a certain individual which primarily entail insensitivity or oversensitivity. In fact it even reaches a point where the regularity of a certain action pushes one’s self to move to the next level at the expense of others.

No one is ruling out that people should not cross lines. We should not limit ourselves from doing that, it essentially helps us grow and move further. Yet, this does not give us the license to go all the way. We should always learn by heart that in everything we do, we should be sensitive enough on the feelings of others. It is significant that we assess the maturity or readiness of other people to adapt the consequence of our actions and at the same time we should know how we stand in their lives. Our relationship with people will best explain how we handle situations with them. True enough that from time to time we use such mechanism as an offense and defense; to save ourselves and intentionally hurt someone. Nevertheless, will that make you feel better if you win, but you didn’t play it fair?

Literally speaking, when a boxer is highly aggravated to win, he may hit his opponent below the belt. It is a premeditated act that will result severe pain. Unlike when people simply cross lines, he may cross as many different lines, just depends where it will lead them; it’s like delivering a good legal punch to the opponent. When you cross lines, you hit the person in the head but when you hit below the belt you hit them in the heart. In the end, it may have a double standard effect; one can make the best out of you or both can be damaging to a person’s holistic formation. It is no longer an issue of good or bad intentions, what’s important is how we manage the situation.

“Bravery is not a crime, but too much of something is always bad”

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri

A while ago I've heard over the news that Zubiri already won the 12Th spot for the Senate, good for him. I don't want to pre-judge the winning situation as much as I don't want to spoil Zubiri from celebrating his victory party. Although I'm not sure if that would make me smile. Philippine politics goes back to its old routine, barrio tic. When will be the time that we learn how to be mature politically.

We all know that Zubiri won at the courtesy of the Maguindanao votes. However, the authenticity of those votes are yet to be proved. It sounds confusing that the authorities actually questions Pidol but embraces the miracles of his action. What I'm trying to point out here is that, why investigate the person, then in the long run you show the people that there is nothing controversial at all. If in case you are not aware why I'm bragging this Maguindanao votes to be controversial is because first, it's statistically improbable (12-0? tsss DREAM ON) second, the Maguindanao election officers themselves are claiming that there was indeed foul play, third, the numbers from the official COC's doesn't match with some local returns. fifth, the provincial officer admitted that he lost the COC's (which reminds me, that's not legal); now do the math.I may sound bias and yes now I'm pre-judging the situation, but don't you think that its pretty obvious? Why do they have to include something that seems to be a fraud. Okay. In fairness to Comelec, they are postponing the proclamation of Juan Miguel Zubiri and wait for the oral arguments from the Supreme court. Actually that's the only fair thing I consider.

I'm now trying to question myself, would it make me feel better: if people will like me for who I'm not rather than hating me for the person I really am, or getting high grades out of sucking other people's effort than failing from my own mistakes. Same thing goes with Zubiri, I wonder how he goes to sleep at night thinking that the votes which infact will officially bring him to Senate are questionable? I guess that doesn't matter anymore. It's really funny that sometimes even if you're such a great man, at the midst of crisis you'll suck blood out of nowhere to be able to survive.

Maybe its about time that we should make reforms and changes, we should embrace innovations and offer a helping hand. I am hopeful that someday this government can be efficient and credible.

When love comes around

They said that love is not a matter of why,when and who? There are things I've been really avoiding for the past months.. The level of my conformity to the morals of society is quite close to the highest level. I dont care whether people will like me or not, what matters to me is that I'm always doing the right thing. But I realized that always doing the right thing, is not what matters, but what really makes you happy.We can always do whatever we want at all expense as long as we know how to limit ourselves to the things, that are not only best for you.. but to the rest of the people around you.
They say love comes at your darkest hours, partly true; but I'd rather want to believe the fact that people come, but not always love. I've been dealing with people who are close to getting a space in my heart, but soon enough I realize that not all or no one really fits the space; its eaither they are too big, or too small. I know we can never find a pefect partner or a perfect person, in fact we should never try finding it. I havent really felt the spark of what they call love lately, and I'm no longer finding a place to play, or a person to play with; I dont want to get drop dead serious when I know theres no one worth being serious with. It's really ironic, that when love comes knocking on your front door, you then chose to use the back door, and when you go knock on someone else' door... they do the same.. I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND THE PERSON WHO CAN SATISFY the emptiness I'm feeling, merely hoping that the emptiness heals by itself..


Controlling the Chaos

I’ve really loved the feeling of not being able to think at all. I’ve been setting myself to things that will consume most of my time and eventually forget the real deal. I’m pushing myself to the limits but I know at the end of the show, I will be there… back to the chaos I’ve been avoiding.

I’m trying to run before the issues that keep dragging my whole being, but I know that running is all I can do. I thought forgetting was as easy, but I know it’s a punch to the moon. I prayed that one morning I wake up with a real smile on my face and do the things that I really wanted. I always stare at the sky at night and wait for a falling star to come, so I can throw my wishes up and away.

I always wanted to prove something out of myself. Often times I feel like I’m not at my best and other people can’t and won’t even bother to see that. I feel frustrated that proving something means I have to cheat myself at times. I have to feed my head with ideas that contradicts the whole thing. Chaos starts to ignite in my head and the more I’m trying to control and keep it discreet, the louder it bangs into my face!

All my life I never really aimed to be the best, but all I ever dreamed was to make my folks proud. I look up to them and wish I can be just like them, simple yet satisfied with life. I know somehow they don’t see me as someone who will make it to the top, but still I wish I can be there. I feel happy when people compare me to them, and I feel happy when people say I’m next in line. However not all people pushes me to strive harder. Some say sooner or later, last names will change and I will be out of the picture. It sounds too shallow, but it hurts like hell. I want to be the best not just because I want to prove something to myself, but I want to be the best because I want them to see me as a different person. Not just the little girl behind the shadow of her parents.

I’m well aware that I can never please everybody. But my only hope is that my friends and family isn’t a part of that everybody.