Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Durl's Zippo Effect

Digging Durl

Ever regret something in your life and no matter how hard you swab it out, it keeps coming back? Have you ever felt something so strong for someone else and just a mere thought of it brings you down on your knees? Have you ever thought of fighting for someone who doesn’t even have a clue on a thing or two?

Sometime in your life, you meet this one single soul who brings out the best and hell of who you are in a snap of a finger. Someone who’s too powerful to actually even grab you down from that high wall you’ve been guarding your whole life just to avoid too much pain and misery from outside forces. There you were having the time of your life, and in a wink of an eye everything changes. Someone comes in and for all the unknown reasons a part of you shivers, worst, your perspectives and dispositions in life are highly at stake. You try not to be over ruled, yet, it’s that powerful. One morning you find yourself having sleepless nights because you’ve been talking about things, life, people… you’ve been talking A-Z unknowingly missing out on 24/7. I guess once or twice in our lifetime, we meet a person who has this bizarre effect on us. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that this person is our soul mate. However, there effect is as powerful, well, I wouldn’t know given that I haven’t met my soul mate. But I know for sure I’ve been feeling crazy these past weeks.

I guess what makes us feel out of the ordinary are not the things that we do with this people. It’s the things that you can’t control in their presence (like a heart beating in a rush, a breathe pending to burst, tears racing down your cheeks). The feeling of actually starting something new is the best feeling in the world; it makes you feel like a kid in a candy store. However, just when you thought things were running smoothly, it stabs you in the chest to in point of fact realize that you’re left hanging in the air. One day you open your eyes and grasp to reality that you’re all alone now. Whatever happened to A-Z, you can’t seem to explain. Then you question yourself and you even ask God, Why? Why it has to be that quick, why it hurts like hell? You know the answers, yet you want God to answer why you have to stop having the time of you life just to get yourself at the edge of misery. It’s not like you’re questioning God, more like you’re asking for comfort from the one who knows so well. Occasionally we do want to keep things only with God to save ourselves from egoistic disadvantages of rejection. We pretend not be hurt and we even fake emotions so not to add damage to injury. However, the more we keep things discreet, the more it strives to come out.

More often than not what hurts us are not the things that we don’t understand, nor the things that are left unanswered. Sometimes, what hurts more are the things we know how to answer, and the times we know what to do, yet we are held back by circumstances. Words left unsaid are feelings bound to be suppressed, that’s where the pain comes from. Never the less, there’s something more painful than that. It’s having the guts to speak the words and take the risk, yet chances wont give you a shot. You feel nostalgic seeking for options that are not freely given to you. Options reserved to be deserved yet they deprive you of it.

Now you still find yourself in the morning having those sleepless nights, the only difference now is that you no longer have A-Z conversations, just an empty hand and a wet pillow. By the time you are graced to fall asleep, dreams become visions of what used to be. Then you wake up wishing dreams to be reality, you wake up hoping for visions of what you should be.

“I’m not pining for any mutual response, but I wish I could have one. I’m not asking anything, just yearning for that one true peace of mind. If yesterday, today and tomorrow is the right time that I’m not yet sure. Time is of the essence because with you my time bunged. I do have options but you discreetly deprived me of it. I long to tell you, but you’re not giving me any chances. Someday you’ll know, but I hope by then my sentiments have not yet ended. I hope you learn that you don’t deserve to settle with someone who just sees you as a material, a bank account, a trophy… you don’t deserve someone good… only the best. You came in a rush, yet you left in that same manner. Yesterday, today, tomorrow I admit you got me,
You’re the only person who taught me how to fall in “love” without any reservations.
I love you today, and I hope tomorrow I still do.”

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

SMB: In memory of our Cab it Days!

Just now I was trying to go through some old photos from my friendster account. I was planning to delete some old images since I’m starting to feel revolted on the number of photos I’ve been putting on my profile. I don’t usually just put photos on my account; most of them talk about the details of spectacular events. It’s funny though that while I was browsing each photo I cannot hand pick a single photo to delete, I am always reminded by the memory behind it.

Now my plan to fix my profile pictures was totally moving. I smile each time I see a photo of my SMB family. I’m missing the good old times with Sha(Piocx), Abby(Kaps), Rai(Partner), Pai, Viray, Jill and the other major key players from the CAB it days. It’s been awhile now since the last time we’ve gone out as a whole. Everybody’s just too busy with their own agendas now, not to mention a life not—single anymore. I feel a pressure on my chest looking back on how we used to be. I’m missing the feeling of not trying to worry about what will happen next for I know that whatever transpires between all of us, we’ll find a way to have fun. This was the time where confidence was up to beat and taking all the risks was a part of the game. Drinking until we drop on ground zero was a legacy we all went through (OFFICER DOWN-OFFICER DOWN). These people gave me a whole new meaning on how to be young and free, to fall in love without fear and hesitation.

People do come and go, but people called friends give you the best there is. The intensity they give you will always be different from what ordinary people can offer. Their absence soulfully affects a part of you and pushes you to find people who can fill in the gaps. Yet, in the end you disappoint yourself realizing that there will be no other who can stand-in their space.

In my pursuit to revert I ended up wanting more. But wanting more will only take me less of reality. I realized that I don’t have to reinstate my best buddies just to get back to the life I used to have, SMB family is a legacy, and thus, replacing them would only mean creating just another kind.

In memory of the Cab it! Days….
I miss my drinking buddies…..
Till then… and AGAIN! ahaha