Thursday, January 31, 2008

Running Away

Running Away

Sometimes I wish I can be as tough as the rock, or maybe just numb enough to not feel this life’s uncertainties. I hope I can just ignore pain, fear and resentment. I wish I can, but I guess life doesn’t offer some sort of privilege card, something to save you from a hassle free state, nothing to excuse you to live a life that’s subjected to too much dilemma.

I hate drama. I get aggravated with emotions, yes even my own. All I want to do is laugh, smile, laugh and laugh and be happy for the rest of my life. Of course laughter can just mask ones deepest predicament. Unfortunately, I deduce that the more you keep something in discreet, the louder it bangs back to your face. Poignant freaks are however everywhere, from music lyricist to everyday television and even the worst politics have their own production. S**t happens, and I am afraid they are just far and wide. In fact, writing a blog like this makes me no different, but I’d rather be like them than end up a suicidal psychopath.

I’ve always believe that being happy is a product of personal dispositions and not by circumstances. We can be happy for all times sake as long as we allow ourselves in that state. However, it’s just too unlucky that sometimes, dispositions are outdone by extrinsic extraneous forces that won’t stop unless they make it into your circle. I wish there’s this imposed regulation to keep you unattached to anybody, so no one gets hurt in the end. Why cant people just stay out of each other’s business, why can’t we just live our own lives and be happy. If it’s impossible not to get involve, why don’t we just do something good for each other, why do we have to throw shit on people when survival is at stake? Why can’t we just take full responsibility to our inadequacies?

Sometimes I wish Freud didn’t discover what EGO is, so nobody can use such stupid excuse. PRIDE, FEAR, ANGER, EGO, CHAOS, they are all mindsets, some dim factors that makes a very unhappy world.

Yes, I keep wishing usual things not to take place, so I myself can find an excuse to run away. So I can cover up to these dense mindsets that make me less of who I am. I seek security from my friends, but I guess I’m not the only one having this kind of turmoil up in head. People say that everything happens for a reason, and it doesn’t leave without a lesson. At some point such things make us stronger, but I wish not to be stronger for I am too powerful not to face and bear down to my weakness, for I am intimidated by my own strong points.

Tomorrow always begins in the East, so I have to stop waiting for the sun to shine in the West, I’ll just have to go with the flow and wake up each morning facing the East. Our dispositions should be like the Sun, it doesn’t change its setting and no circumstance nor can bad weather move it to the west. Nobody can alter others character and principles don’t let people ruin what’s already laid down, live your life like the sun, and let people deal with that.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hell to the BIG MACHINE

Hell to the big machine

“You’re going to need some help” she said.

“What are you freaking nuts? And who are you to tell” she answered.

With a strike in the heart she was forced to just stop and leave. She knew nothing was heartfelt, and she just allowed herself to be a part of their marionette demonstration. The launch of her nightmare was on.

I entered the room and saw her in dirge

“She’s moved to the big machine.” she softly said.

“You don’t have to move with the rest of the crew.” I told her.

“I don’t care about the crew, he is my blood, I feel responsible if he’s not going to make it in the big machine” she replied.

“Gabby, no one makes it out there, it’s either you lose him forever, or he will realize that the big machine is not his home” I alleged

Then she looked at me with an edge of sarcasm and doubt.

“He’s old enough. Let him Go Gabs, we are not in the position to barricade him to the places he wants to explore” I immediately said.

“Let him go, knowing he’s going to be killed there?” she asked.
I don’t know what else to tell her, so I just left her with a tap.

I was on my way home when I saw a BIG M poster beside a door that looks like a vendo machine. It was all nice and catchy. It’s hypnotizing. I tried to figure out how it drives people to go nuts. As I was to put my foot forward, I noticed the poster’s changing; colors were turning black and black until I’m starting to feel dizzy. Someone came out so the door opened and I got to have a sneak peak on what’s inside. The inside looks like the set of Charlie’s chocolate factory with a hole in the middle. I saw people and a couple of friends in nirvana. I wanted to join the fun so I attempted to enter the room. Not until a voice from a far was tingling in my ears.

My parents. The gush to go in was outweighed by their presence.

We went for a cup of coffee across the street. I got a pretty good view from the BIG M door. I was amazed to see a couple of friends going in. They just didn’t know. Then I was overwhelmed to see Gabby’s brother trying to come out. There was this girl who was patiently waiting for him to finally come out; unfortunately, the full force crew was stronger to pull him back in. A girl from the crew discreetly laughed at the poor girl outside. The door was slowly closing as I was petrified to see him jump with the other girl into the hole. Nobody noticed, the other crew went out, they didn’t even care.

An old friend of mine came rushing out the door with his girlfriend. He saw me across.

“I saw what happened. I’ve been there, I fell on that very same hole” as she lowered down his head and shook.

“Is there something else we can do?” I questioned.

“I don’t think there is. You can only speak for your ass down there. People will leave you just to get out; they won’t really care about you”

“What happens if he can’t come up?” puzzled.

“If he will not help himself, He will surely die.” With a definite tone.

My heart was torn apart. I felt really dirked thinking about Gabby and the girl who was waiting outside.

Today, I’m still sitting from my point of view. I am patiently waiting for him to come out. I’m mad and I am exhausted. It’s been awhile and yet there’s no sign of him. A few people from that hole were coming out one by one.

A tear fell and rush down my cheeks when I overheard survivors talking.

“He’s a freak. He wants to come out.” A man said

“I know right? But the girl doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay there but he wont allow him to go.” The other said.

“He’s trying not leave the girl. Tsktsk.. Heroic deeds…It sucks!”

“Hero? It takes a lot to be one. We should all start by being heroes to ourselves.” softly said

“We should all die at our own cause” he agreed.

My hopes were popping out; it’s as if any moment it will shatter. I was about to turn my back, but I can’t leave Gabby, she wont stop. I know I can’t leave; I can’t leave a family in deep shit.

We can’t spend the rest of our lives waiting across that street. So I pulled my sister to the car and promised her to keep an eye on the scene. I held her hand as I bow down my head, I know there’s nothing else we can do but to wait and see.

For the last time I threw a glance at the BIG MACHINE.
“Brother please come out, big machine’s not your home. Brother Come out I beg you see how we weep”

Life is a matter of choice. Some choices are chaotic by nature. In the end, when all else fail, we are left with a choice to MOVE on and go on with our OWN LIVES.