Controlling the Chaos

I’ve really loved the feeling of not being able to think at all. I’ve been setting myself to things that will consume most of my time and eventually forget the real deal. I’m pushing myself to the limits but I know at the end of the show, I will be there… back to the chaos I’ve been avoiding.

I’m trying to run before the issues that keep dragging my whole being, but I know that running is all I can do. I thought forgetting was as easy, but I know it’s a punch to the moon. I prayed that one morning I wake up with a real smile on my face and do the things that I really wanted. I always stare at the sky at night and wait for a falling star to come, so I can throw my wishes up and away.

I always wanted to prove something out of myself. Often times I feel like I’m not at my best and other people can’t and won’t even bother to see that. I feel frustrated that proving something means I have to cheat myself at times. I have to feed my head with ideas that contradicts the whole thing. Chaos starts to ignite in my head and the more I’m trying to control and keep it discreet, the louder it bangs into my face!

All my life I never really aimed to be the best, but all I ever dreamed was to make my folks proud. I look up to them and wish I can be just like them, simple yet satisfied with life. I know somehow they don’t see me as someone who will make it to the top, but still I wish I can be there. I feel happy when people compare me to them, and I feel happy when people say I’m next in line. However not all people pushes me to strive harder. Some say sooner or later, last names will change and I will be out of the picture. It sounds too shallow, but it hurts like hell. I want to be the best not just because I want to prove something to myself, but I want to be the best because I want them to see me as a different person. Not just the little girl behind the shadow of her parents.

I’m well aware that I can never please everybody. But my only hope is that my friends and family isn’t a part of that everybody.