Durl's Zippo Effect

Digging Durl

Ever regret something in your life and no matter how hard you swab it out, it keeps coming back? Have you ever felt something so strong for someone else and just a mere thought of it brings you down on your knees? Have you ever thought of fighting for someone who doesn’t even have a clue on a thing or two?

Sometime in your life, you meet this one single soul who brings out the best and hell of who you are in a snap of a finger. Someone who’s too powerful to actually even grab you down from that high wall you’ve been guarding your whole life just to avoid too much pain and misery from outside forces. There you were having the time of your life, and in a wink of an eye everything changes. Someone comes in and for all the unknown reasons a part of you shivers, worst, your perspectives and dispositions in life are highly at stake. You try not to be over ruled, yet, it’s that powerful. One morning you find yourself having sleepless nights because you’ve been talking about things, life, people… you’ve been talking A-Z unknowingly missing out on 24/7. I guess once or twice in our lifetime, we meet a person who has this bizarre effect on us. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that this person is our soul mate. However, there effect is as powerful, well, I wouldn’t know given that I haven’t met my soul mate. But I know for sure I’ve been feeling crazy these past weeks.

I guess what makes us feel out of the ordinary are not the things that we do with this people. It’s the things that you can’t control in their presence (like a heart beating in a rush, a breathe pending to burst, tears racing down your cheeks). The feeling of actually starting something new is the best feeling in the world; it makes you feel like a kid in a candy store. However, just when you thought things were running smoothly, it stabs you in the chest to in point of fact realize that you’re left hanging in the air. One day you open your eyes and grasp to reality that you’re all alone now. Whatever happened to A-Z, you can’t seem to explain. Then you question yourself and you even ask God, Why? Why it has to be that quick, why it hurts like hell? You know the answers, yet you want God to answer why you have to stop having the time of you life just to get yourself at the edge of misery. It’s not like you’re questioning God, more like you’re asking for comfort from the one who knows so well. Occasionally we do want to keep things only with God to save ourselves from egoistic disadvantages of rejection. We pretend not be hurt and we even fake emotions so not to add damage to injury. However, the more we keep things discreet, the more it strives to come out.

More often than not what hurts us are not the things that we don’t understand, nor the things that are left unanswered. Sometimes, what hurts more are the things we know how to answer, and the times we know what to do, yet we are held back by circumstances. Words left unsaid are feelings bound to be suppressed, that’s where the pain comes from. Never the less, there’s something more painful than that. It’s having the guts to speak the words and take the risk, yet chances wont give you a shot. You feel nostalgic seeking for options that are not freely given to you. Options reserved to be deserved yet they deprive you of it.

Now you still find yourself in the morning having those sleepless nights, the only difference now is that you no longer have A-Z conversations, just an empty hand and a wet pillow. By the time you are graced to fall asleep, dreams become visions of what used to be. Then you wake up wishing dreams to be reality, you wake up hoping for visions of what you should be.

“I’m not pining for any mutual response, but I wish I could have one. I’m not asking anything, just yearning for that one true peace of mind. If yesterday, today and tomorrow is the right time that I’m not yet sure. Time is of the essence because with you my time bunged. I do have options but you discreetly deprived me of it. I long to tell you, but you’re not giving me any chances. Someday you’ll know, but I hope by then my sentiments have not yet ended. I hope you learn that you don’t deserve to settle with someone who just sees you as a material, a bank account, a trophy… you don’t deserve someone good… only the best. You came in a rush, yet you left in that same manner. Yesterday, today, tomorrow I admit you got me,
You’re the only person who taught me how to fall in “love” without any reservations.
I love you today, and I hope tomorrow I still do.”

SMB: In memory of our Cab it Days!

Just now I was trying to go through some old photos from my friendster account. I was planning to delete some old images since I’m starting to feel revolted on the number of photos I’ve been putting on my profile. I don’t usually just put photos on my account; most of them talk about the details of spectacular events. It’s funny though that while I was browsing each photo I cannot hand pick a single photo to delete, I am always reminded by the memory behind it.

Now my plan to fix my profile pictures was totally moving. I smile each time I see a photo of my SMB family. I’m missing the good old times with Sha(Piocx), Abby(Kaps), Rai(Partner), Pai, Viray, Jill and the other major key players from the CAB it days. It’s been awhile now since the last time we’ve gone out as a whole. Everybody’s just too busy with their own agendas now, not to mention a life not—single anymore. I feel a pressure on my chest looking back on how we used to be. I’m missing the feeling of not trying to worry about what will happen next for I know that whatever transpires between all of us, we’ll find a way to have fun. This was the time where confidence was up to beat and taking all the risks was a part of the game. Drinking until we drop on ground zero was a legacy we all went through (OFFICER DOWN-OFFICER DOWN). These people gave me a whole new meaning on how to be young and free, to fall in love without fear and hesitation.

People do come and go, but people called friends give you the best there is. The intensity they give you will always be different from what ordinary people can offer. Their absence soulfully affects a part of you and pushes you to find people who can fill in the gaps. Yet, in the end you disappoint yourself realizing that there will be no other who can stand-in their space.

In my pursuit to revert I ended up wanting more. But wanting more will only take me less of reality. I realized that I don’t have to reinstate my best buddies just to get back to the life I used to have, SMB family is a legacy, and thus, replacing them would only mean creating just another kind.

In memory of the Cab it! Days….
I miss my drinking buddies…..
Till then… and AGAIN! ahaha

Politics is Policy, Policy is Poltics: Explosives by a Chinese PROMDI

I've been trying to run away from this topic because I feel like everytime government scandals arise, they are all the same, worst they also end up in an identical manner. But since I was asked to write one, might as well share my thoughts..... Pipi, goodluck. ahahaha

Politics is Policy, Policy is Poltics

It is indeed a fact that someone who repeatedly called himself “Simpleng Probinsianong intsik” made it to the newsstand for a week or two. Yes! Rodolfo Noel “JUN” Lozada Jr. became an instant celebrity, or rather, another Filipino Hero. Sadly, I strongly express my grief that this instant hero is not even a full-blooded Juan Dela Cruz. The NBN whistle blower though emotionally and physically sapped showed his strength of character by telling his story and defeating his own fears. Lozada, having the decision to surrender himself before the public and expose an immense scandal like this was never easy. The decision to capitulate in the house of the religious in one way or the other lead to the conversion of heart of this young brave man. He sure laid all his aces in the table and just hoped for the next big thing.

The ZTE-NBN scandal already waived too much attention from the public. However, it is in this expose where people can minimally see how corruption takes place in our country and how we are slowly being diverted to a highly controlled democracy.

My position in this matter was basically hooked up from what I saw on TV. Never the less this did not impede me to see an honest man in Lozada. I was moved by his stories, but he gained my respect when he allegedly admitted that he is not the cleanest man – that at certain point in his life he did things that he strongly regrets, amidst the continuous attack on his credibility by prominently known administration senators. It is also overwhelming to hear such sturdy terms like government procurement (which will in fact be a significant description in government history) and moderate greed. It was only now that I realize that in a government like this, greed is being established in mild moderate severe measures.

The explosives of Jun Lozada surely affected the comfort of Malacanang, never the less, the intensity of the explosion was not brawny enough to disintegrate the walls of the first family. Arroyo’s cabinet members are its frontlines; they always deal with issues and predicaments like this. Unfortunately for us Filipinos, too much loyalty to the first family gives them the power to rule over the law. The alleged kidnapping (not abduction as corrected by Senator Escudero), is nowhere outside the hands of Razon, Atienza and their command center, the Malacanang. Its funny how they were given enough time over the weekend to at least patch up the inconsistencies in the version of their stories, yet, I strongly believe that they made a big bewilderment in the senate investigation.

In fairness there are still a few good men in this government, however, how they are being manipulated is yet to be derived. It is distressing to see that instead of political parties formed through principles it is being grounded by allegiances, loyalty is to brotherhood and not to the country.

In this generation where bright minds are corrupted by ambitions and greed, I feel sad that our last resort is God. I hope and pray that political chaos run away from the eyes of an innocent youth, so that someday we will be able to identify our strengths and capabilities without a trace of a disgraceful government. The progress of this investigation is yet to be seen; never the less I hope and pray that good will triumph over evil.

As Condrado De Qurios said,

Maybe God works in truly mysterious ways, or maybe that’s just the sublime way of things, miracles happening when you least expect it. In Tolkien’s “Lord of the Ring,” it wasn’t the valiant king of men, the swift-footed prince of elves, the last remaining royal descendant of the dwarfs, or the powerful white wizard that put an end to the terrifying, impregnable, and seemingly interminable rule of evil Mordor. It was a most unlikely creature, a short, unimpressive, Hobbit named Frodo. Except that he would be courageous, pure of heart, and would have the power to resist the thoroughly corrupting influence of evil. What can one say?

I guess in the end we only have limited options, hope, wonder, pray, wait for the next big thing and cross our fingers.

Running Away

Running Away

Sometimes I wish I can be as tough as the rock, or maybe just numb enough to not feel this life’s uncertainties. I hope I can just ignore pain, fear and resentment. I wish I can, but I guess life doesn’t offer some sort of privilege card, something to save you from a hassle free state, nothing to excuse you to live a life that’s subjected to too much dilemma.

I hate drama. I get aggravated with emotions, yes even my own. All I want to do is laugh, smile, laugh and laugh and be happy for the rest of my life. Of course laughter can just mask ones deepest predicament. Unfortunately, I deduce that the more you keep something in discreet, the louder it bangs back to your face. Poignant freaks are however everywhere, from music lyricist to everyday television and even the worst politics have their own production. S**t happens, and I am afraid they are just far and wide. In fact, writing a blog like this makes me no different, but I’d rather be like them than end up a suicidal psychopath.

I’ve always believe that being happy is a product of personal dispositions and not by circumstances. We can be happy for all times sake as long as we allow ourselves in that state. However, it’s just too unlucky that sometimes, dispositions are outdone by extrinsic extraneous forces that won’t stop unless they make it into your circle. I wish there’s this imposed regulation to keep you unattached to anybody, so no one gets hurt in the end. Why cant people just stay out of each other’s business, why can’t we just live our own lives and be happy. If it’s impossible not to get involve, why don’t we just do something good for each other, why do we have to throw shit on people when survival is at stake? Why can’t we just take full responsibility to our inadequacies?

Sometimes I wish Freud didn’t discover what EGO is, so nobody can use such stupid excuse. PRIDE, FEAR, ANGER, EGO, CHAOS, they are all mindsets, some dim factors that makes a very unhappy world.

Yes, I keep wishing usual things not to take place, so I myself can find an excuse to run away. So I can cover up to these dense mindsets that make me less of who I am. I seek security from my friends, but I guess I’m not the only one having this kind of turmoil up in head. People say that everything happens for a reason, and it doesn’t leave without a lesson. At some point such things make us stronger, but I wish not to be stronger for I am too powerful not to face and bear down to my weakness, for I am intimidated by my own strong points.

Tomorrow always begins in the East, so I have to stop waiting for the sun to shine in the West, I’ll just have to go with the flow and wake up each morning facing the East. Our dispositions should be like the Sun, it doesn’t change its setting and no circumstance nor can bad weather move it to the west. Nobody can alter others character and principles don’t let people ruin what’s already laid down, live your life like the sun, and let people deal with that.

P.S: “YOU CANNOT SHUT THE SUN DOWN. YOU CAN WAIT FOR ‘TONIGHT’, BUT TOMORROW WE WILL STILL SHINE”

Hell to the BIG MACHINE

Hell to the big machine

“You’re going to need some help” she said.

“What are you freaking nuts? And who are you to tell” she answered.

With a strike in the heart she was forced to just stop and leave. She knew nothing was heartfelt, and she just allowed herself to be a part of their marionette demonstration. The launch of her nightmare was on.

I entered the room and saw her in dirge

“She’s moved to the big machine.” she softly said.

“You don’t have to move with the rest of the crew.” I told her.

“I don’t care about the crew, he is my blood, I feel responsible if he’s not going to make it in the big machine” she replied.

“Gabby, no one makes it out there, it’s either you lose him forever, or he will realize that the big machine is not his home” I alleged

Then she looked at me with an edge of sarcasm and doubt.

“He’s old enough. Let him Go Gabs, we are not in the position to barricade him to the places he wants to explore” I immediately said.

“Let him go, knowing he’s going to be killed there?” she asked.
I don’t know what else to tell her, so I just left her with a tap.

I was on my way home when I saw a BIG M poster beside a door that looks like a vendo machine. It was all nice and catchy. It’s hypnotizing. I tried to figure out how it drives people to go nuts. As I was to put my foot forward, I noticed the poster’s changing; colors were turning black and black until I’m starting to feel dizzy. Someone came out so the door opened and I got to have a sneak peak on what’s inside. The inside looks like the set of Charlie’s chocolate factory with a hole in the middle. I saw people and a couple of friends in nirvana. I wanted to join the fun so I attempted to enter the room. Not until a voice from a far was tingling in my ears.

My parents. The gush to go in was outweighed by their presence.

We went for a cup of coffee across the street. I got a pretty good view from the BIG M door. I was amazed to see a couple of friends going in. They just didn’t know. Then I was overwhelmed to see Gabby’s brother trying to come out. There was this girl who was patiently waiting for him to finally come out; unfortunately, the full force crew was stronger to pull him back in. A girl from the crew discreetly laughed at the poor girl outside. The door was slowly closing as I was petrified to see him jump with the other girl into the hole. Nobody noticed, the other crew went out, they didn’t even care.

An old friend of mine came rushing out the door with his girlfriend. He saw me across.

“I saw what happened. I’ve been there, I fell on that very same hole” as she lowered down his head and shook.

“Is there something else we can do?” I questioned.

“I don’t think there is. You can only speak for your ass down there. People will leave you just to get out; they won’t really care about you”

“What happens if he can’t come up?” puzzled.

“If he will not help himself, He will surely die.” With a definite tone.

My heart was torn apart. I felt really dirked thinking about Gabby and the girl who was waiting outside.

Today, I’m still sitting from my point of view. I am patiently waiting for him to come out. I’m mad and I am exhausted. It’s been awhile and yet there’s no sign of him. A few people from that hole were coming out one by one.

A tear fell and rush down my cheeks when I overheard survivors talking.

“He’s a freak. He wants to come out.” A man said

“I know right? But the girl doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay there but he wont allow him to go.” The other said.

“He’s trying not leave the girl. Tsktsk.. Heroic deeds…It sucks!”

“Hero? It takes a lot to be one. We should all start by being heroes to ourselves.” softly said

“We should all die at our own cause” he agreed.

My hopes were popping out; it’s as if any moment it will shatter. I was about to turn my back, but I can’t leave Gabby, she wont stop. I know I can’t leave; I can’t leave a family in deep shit.

We can’t spend the rest of our lives waiting across that street. So I pulled my sister to the car and promised her to keep an eye on the scene. I held her hand as I bow down my head, I know there’s nothing else we can do but to wait and see.

For the last time I threw a glance at the BIG MACHINE.
“Brother please come out, big machine’s not your home. Brother Come out I beg you see how we weep”

Life is a matter of choice. Some choices are chaotic by nature. In the end, when all else fail, we are left with a choice to MOVE on and go on with our OWN LIVES.

Anger Management: Patience

“Patience is a Virtue”

Fine. I’ve heard about this like a thousand times, “Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue” WHAT THE HECK! Do people always have to stick to that Rule? How important is Virtue anyway? Is it more imperative than being honest to ones self?

I wish somebody could tell me that being right is better than being happy.

Generally speaking the echo of patience is vague. Many people say that being patient takes you somewhere you deserve, and the crops of it will shower you with infinite satisfaction. However, does this rule apply when people keeps on ditching you? Is this some kind of a yield for people to become so damn insensitive? A person that is patient enough gives other people the license to chuck him. I robustly deem to the fact that sometimes, or most of the time, a person becomes abusive of the things that are readily available to him/her. Only that, quandary launches when people become subjects of their own virtues. The intensity of one’s insensitivity is subject to befall to the consequences of patience and forgiveness.

Many times I’ve wondered if indeed there is a Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson’s character in Anger Management), wishing and hoping that I can get options or sort off redirection to divert all my antagonisms. I hardly ever lodge grudges against people, and if I did, it won’t even last a day. People hardly gets a NO from me, most of the time it’s either a YES or OKAY! It’s a weakness I am aware of, and it’s something I’ve been really trying to get rid. This is the kind of weakness people grab and take advantage. For the past months I’ve grown mature of the things and people around me. Getting a glimpse of whose who and who’s suppose to. I came to discern that a few people suddenly went off track because it seems I’m no longer that useful to them. Never the less, who cares…. THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR… but YES, that is also where it all hurts. Finding out the people who’s a part of your PRIORITY considers you to be just an OPTION. People say love friends UNCONDITIONALY, which means getting hurt is a part of the whole deal. However, does UNCONDITIONAL LOVE excuse friends from ditching you over and over again, and those who keep on breaking promises and telling lies? Often times the cut is deeper when it’s your friend who unintentionally stabs you from within.
I’ve been hurt a couple of times, I’ve been stabbed and was deprived to breath freely. I’ve been crying louder than a cat’s walk. Moments like this, makes me want to ask for an assurance that PATIENCE is a VIRTUE.

What is this VIRTUE for if deep inside I’m bleeding?
What difference it makes anyway?
Is having that Virtue far more important than having a sense of Euphoria?

à The definition of friendship is yet unrevealed for me. What’s clear is that I know and agree that friendship should always be unconditional. Never the less, I’m still bound for imperfection as all humans do. I love, get hurt, I trust, get betrayed, I’m patient, I get over used, in the end I leap to forgive and forget,,,,,, I leap to forgive and forget. Sooner or later I hope I collide with the genuine implication of patience as a virtue. Perhaps this is a part of my journey, to find out how it is to be human, yearning for perfection yet bound for imperfection.

“Forgive those who offense you seven times, but until Seventy times Seven Times”
Matthew 18.21:
“Whoever counts has not forgiven at all, but is only biding his or her time”
1 Co 13:5

Point Blank Excuses

This is just one of those days that my dopamine level seems to be excruciatingly low. I can’t work, I can’t sleep, and I am 0% productive. I attempt to brawl this moment of sentimentality, which in fact is idiopathic in nature, but all I get is a blank stare bouncing back at me.

I look around, finding things to explore yet I end up looking at stuffs that are not worth my time, or maybe just maybe, my disposition is irrevocably unpredictable. At times like this, my empty mind is crammed with thoughts that are unbearable and impossible, sometimes bizarre. Just like a person with an empty stomach, it makes you crave for food; you tend to satisfy your hunger at any expense. An empty mind works similar, you dash after any kind of information just to suit yourself, and chances are you become naïve. The intensity of this probability is manifested to such extent that occasionally you can’t limit yourself to possible discrepancies, thus, pushes you to become outrageous or indeed commendable.

Suddenly I came to a conclusion, sort off a confusion too, that unpleasant events are brought to us by people who doesn’t have anything to do. Take for example the outburst of recent issues concerning ANTI-FILIPINO statements from American TV sitcoms. I’m kind of perplexed if such statements are acceptable regardless of its intent and genuine gist, somehow questioning the factors that led those people to express such unbearable statements. I’m beginning just to consider the idea that perhaps people responsible to such statements were out of their mind. Maybe they didn’t have anything else to say or do so they bent their frustrations to people who they think are a lesser threat. People like them are those who have an empty head and heart, they become insensitive just to add fame to there name.

I am always open to the actuality that there is always a negative and a constructive effect of comings and goings. However, what we people are ought to do is to prevent that negative effect to take place. We should have that sense of responsibility to limit ourselves and shun from becoming disgraceful. People always have the option to make their actions tolerable; we cannot always blame being contemptible to such mindless excuses. Finding ourselves at point blank will neither never be an excuse, being naïve is certainly being youthful too, and just like kids we should submit to the morals of society quantifying our actions in terms of what is extremely right and wrong.