Tinkie Fantasy: ABSTRACT CATHARSIS

Healthcare and Politics

2011-09-20T15:35:00.000+08:00

Healthcare and Politics

Yes people, there’s politics in every grain of our breakfast cereal.

Less do ordinary people know that politics at health institutions is as extensive as the jueteng state of affairs. Gone are the days that healthcare practitioners consider this industry as noble—unless we’re talking about the dough.

Oh come on give me a break. People will not spend half their millions to medical school without computing the ROI. Except of course if they are the type whose ambitions are confined in a bottle of redhorse served on the streets. (Or yeah, perhaps alo the few whose tuitions were paid on behalf because their cerebral capacity is uncontested)

1.) The TV series ‘Greys Anatomy’ for crap’s sake is not all about the overwhelming medical procedures but the daily politics inside the hospital. There’s an arrogant Chief Resident, HOT but definitely not handsome surgeon, doctor-nurse relationship, labor-management issues, an old and traditional director, drop-dead gay doctor, newbie wannabe, and yes, there has to be some sex-y time. (Excuse us for the green inside jokes, but topics about locked in penis in a vagina are nothing but mundane—so if you find it off and immoral please remind yourself that you’re not in a worship place)

2.) On a [H]ouse perspective, it’s all about the pride and competition. I have never met a DOCTOR QUACK who doesn’t (show signs of) have(ing) ambitions of becoming the next CHIEF consultant or Hospital Director. If I’m wrong and someone can introduce me to a fine young doctor who only wants to cure and not collect a fee—I’d pay him a million. There’s more to health CARE than pure service. If you start paying for your date, feed your family or the other family, finance a grandiose obsession for cars, funding for medical supplies, the ‘few’ non-sense conventions, plus of course recovering medical school investment—service fee will resort to an unbelievable figure. Now you know how professional fees are computed.

3.) At this point I can no longer pull off a TV series that will give a picture of how Irish the Philippine Health Care Delivery system is. Disposing health care budget to the DILG is a diplomatic invitation to corruption. The local government (please ignore this if you’re not guilty) will screen and hold the fund to sustain more potential investments. I may not be the best person to tell what’s best for the money of the province—but one thing’s for sure, it belongs to the people and constituents of the place. If I get admitted at a district hospital at the deepest ends of the suburb, fear of nosocomial infection and tetanus will cause me hypochondriac tendencies more likely. Government hospitals—primary, secondary, or tertiary should be completely equipped with diagnostic machines to somehow delay the death of patients before being transferred to a more class and equipped GOVERNMENT hospital in the city.

Yesterday, I took the liberty to question the director of a district hospital from the neighboring town. He deliberately discussed his repulsion towards the local government’s mandate on healthcare budget. “It’s tough politics up there” he started. Small hospitals, especially those at the barrio will never enjoy the perks of a city hospital. It’s hard that I’m speaking on behalf of the little ones while I’m looking forward to the high stakes of the private sector. Director mentioned that expansion and improvement of the barrio hospital would mean less income at the city. (Why are we talking about income at the first place when supposedly government subsidies are 100% funded). For the record, private concerned individuals end up doing fundraising schemes and pulling out money from their personal accounts just to finance and fill up the incompetency of the government.

4.) How the hell do these little and government owned hospitals pass PHILHEALTH and DOH inspections when shit and blood are dripping faster than water from their faucets. PHAP (Private Hospitals Association of the Philippines) should raise their flag and demand for a fair benchmarking protocol (but then again, that’s politics). People from the private sector are investing all their time and effort to deliver a sound policy that will govern a quality assured healthcare institution—only to find out that the governor’s healthcare seed can get through this accreditations without lifting a finger. (That’s first hand information from the directors office)

5.) PHAP vs PHILHEALTH. Thank you Dr. Rustico Jiminez for voicing out our long due problems with PHILHEALTH. Perhaps, the 5 star hospitals don’t seem to feel the impact of delayed payables because apparently their clients can afford a fine healthcare without the aid of PHILHEALTH. How about the average income hospitals? If payables amounting to half a million are pending, are we allowed to delay our staff’s salary, electric or water bill and medical supplies? Dear PHILHEALTH, your benchmarking rocks and we have no problems submitting to it, but who does your evaluation? My people are consistently munching on my 3in1 coffee just to alert their sanity at 3AM finishing PHILHEALTH reports.

Then we wait for months and months and months to watch pending payables move an inch closer.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

ALL THE BEST FOR 2010

2010-01-01T18:43:00.004+08:00

MORE OR LESS FOR 2010

1. More Optimism—Less to NO Pessimism
2. More Money—Less ‘Extensive’ Shopping
3. More Coffee and Water—Less Alcohol
4. More Books—Less Facebook
5. More of Philippines—Less of America
6. More Savings. More Investment—Less UNNECESSARY SPENDING
7. More Travels—Less Nightouts
8. More GYM. MORE WORKOUTS—Less Eating
9. More PLANS—Less ‘Come what Mays’
10. More dates—Less to noMORE ComFort Rooms

MISSION2010

1. Start a Business (1 out of 10 and counting)
2. Set up a studio
3. Help Expand SMPH
4. DECIDE if its LAW, MBA or Both
5. Get a car by hook or by crook
6. Renovate and Redesign Bedroom and Office
7. Learn Taekwondo—Aikido—Arnis and Gun Shooting
8. Level up from Intermediate Deutsche lesson and learn another language
9. More projects and events for Candon and MD301 Leo
10. Master Golf

THINGS TO SAVE FOR on the side (;-/)

1. CAPITAL
2. Apple MAC PRO
3. iPhone 3Gs and Blackberry
4. Nikon S70
5. AUSTRALIA ***
6. WATCH WATCH and WATCH
7. Nikon D90 or D700
8. Studio Equipments
9. SEPHORA… figuratively
10. A golden retriever or Labrador

HOPE FOR THE FILIPINO PEOPLE

1. I hope that for the year 2010 Filipinos would embrace the chance to a better life by exercising the right to vote—and go for a leader who’ll make the Philippines a better place to live not only for themselves but more significantly for the less fortunate Filipinos. I wish that in exercising the right to vote—vote buying be eradicated and ignored to make genuine choices and voices be heard.

2. I hope that whoever wins the 2010 Election would make a name for the country in every possible way so that we don’t only get to enjoy popularity through boxing but to be marked in the international business and economic map as well.

3. I hope that the next leaders of this country would forget about their own personal agendas to allow this country to grow by all means and move forward to a powerful economical growth so that more jobs will be generated—eventually leading every single Filipino off subsistence living. I long that when this day comes, Filipinos will realize that they don’t need be strained to leave the country in search for a much better source of living.

4. I hope that those in and will be in the position will use their leverage to improve things and not use power for terror and domination.

5. I hope that the government will give better benefits for the AFP and PNP including the MMDA so that they’ll learn to use their control to discipline people and not inflict violent authority and or extort money from the people. I hope however that with these benefits uniformed officials will divert their service for the best interest of its people and the good of its country and not maintain their loyalty to whoever is in power—so that at the end of the day crime and violence will be not be out of control.

6. I hope for a highlight in EDUCATION and programs that will allow all Filipinos particularly less income sectors to send their kids to school so that they’ll learn how maximize their wits and talents—so that they’ll know all their rights and not be taken advantage of—so they can teach their parents what they learn in school—and so that someday we’ll have a better pool of leaders who’ll bring hope to the next generation.

7. I hope for more non-government volunteers to step out and fill in the inadequacy of those with titles to continuously bring hope to those in need especially during circumstances that hope and faith are dim.
8. I hope that the ONDOY/PEPENG tragedies as well as AMPATUAN Massacre serve as an eye opener for all Filipinos to consistently guard their rights to a garbage free community. (TRAPO)

9. I hope that each of us realize that this country will not move forward in the hands of the captain alone, hence, a working team would greatly impact progress.

10. I hope that all my hopes be shared and that in my mission to pay it forward I’ll leave a spot for my fellow to hope and dream for a better life not for themselves alone but for all other people.

May the year 2010 be as colorful as the fireworks launched at 00:00. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 … CROSS FINGERS. WISH. So help me God. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'll begin the end

2009-08-21T16:35:00.002+08:00

A little respect would do.

2009-08-03T15:15:00.007+08:00

My Friday afternoon routine was cut off by breaking news. “Our mother peacefully passed away at 3:18 a.m., Aug. 1, 2009, of cardio-respiratory arrest,” Senator Nonoy Aquino said. President Corazon Aquino died.

Suddenly a part of me shut off and absolute silence was dominating.

I wasn’t even born when the grand People Power come to pass and not even my second brother witnessed the murder of Ninoy. No member of my family became a part of what transpired in the 1986 revolution, and in fact, my growing up days was spent just beside the enemy lines.

I never came across with the exact details of EDSA1 nor am I aware of the excruciating terror of Marshall Law. I may not have witnessed the greatest political event in Philippine history but I know for sure that I’m living on its aftermath. Our life as Filipinos might have been totally different.

I couldn’t say I’m her biggest fan, but I am certainly a fan. I am not a fan of her political affairs but I am big fan of her political ideologies, not a fan of her credentials but a fan of her simplicity, not a fan of her bravery but a fan of her faith.

Manny Pacqauio is not alone.Yes, PACMAN gets people off the street, but Cory Aquino gathers a grand union back on the street—to commemorate her heroism and celebrate her life. True, Manny never fails to unite people during his boxing matches, so as the wife of Ninoy, the great Cory Aquino unites the nation in prayer.

In my pursuit to know a little more about a woman who introduced a non-violent revolution, I was amazed. The legacy that she left us is not at all the effects of freedom from dictatorship but the courage to consistently fight for democracy.

While democracy offers us total freedom of speech I felt totally dismayed as I came across a few comments from an online newspaper’s forum.

“noong nangyari ang EDSA 1 ay 33 yrs old ako at sumali ako sa rally... nasayang lamang ang pinaghirapan ng mga sumali doon dahil ang bansa natin ay ni-raped ng mga politiko kasama na ang mga kamaganakan ni Cory na nikisaw-saw sa politiko... Si Joma ay pinakawalan kaya lalong lumaki ang problema sa insurgency. na-neglected ang family birth control na inumpisahan ng previous administration dahil sa masyadon pagiging religious ni Cory kaya halos dumuble na ang populasyon ng pinas na karamihan ay mahihirap na pamilya ang dumami. Ang mga elite at oligarchs ay lalong naging powerful dahil napasakamay nila ang political power at hindi nawala ang cronyism kaya sila nalang ang nagtatamasa ng sarap at ang mga mahirap ay laong humirap ang buhay... lalong dumami ang mga pinoy na nagpapaalila sa mga foriegners na kadalasan ay pinagsasamantalahan ng mga employers ang iba naman ay susuong sa mga lugar na may gyera magkatrabho lamang para lang makakain ang pamilya. alin ang maganda na sinasabi mo doon na democracy kuno? mamamatay na lang lahat ang sumali sa EDSA 1 na yun na hindi makakakita ng inaasahan liwanag para sa bansa.....SAYANG NA SAYANG!!”

“DO NOT REWIND.” Said Fr. Jerry Orbos.

We can’t please everybody. How I wish they could have offered a prayer. Can’t we just thank the one person who sacrificed a private life for our liberty? Had she not took the courage to do what was done, can you imagine what kind of life we’ll be having now? If they say that not a single person took upon her ideologies, have they took upon themselves to exercise it? If they say EDSA I is useless because current events is again compromising our democracy, wouldn’t it be better to commemorate this event to remind these nation that there is hope? Just a little decency to not throw such issues at this time would do. If these people can’t respect the person that she was, a little more respect for her death is all that’s asked.

Lord, I pray that you enlighten this people to be thankful instead. Soften their hearts and free them from the horrors of history. Give them the will to forgive and forget.

As she helped Filipinos obtain freedom, it’s about time we grant her serenity, it’s also about time we free her from politics, and it’s about time we let her rest in peace.

Thank You Mrs. Aquino.
People Power Image from Cavaler Image Website.

From the one who knows so well

2009-08-02T16:58:00.007+08:00

Katz got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

He sure knows what's going on.

At this point in life decisions are at its peak. You suffer a certain critical pressure up to your head down to the middle of your chest. You ignore it each time coz just a mere thought of it drives you nuts. I've been trying to make a stand for the last few months, yet, I realized it's still not enough. I was absolutely firm about the things that I want to do--and those that I don't even wanna think about. However, I've never really proven anything yet-- so YES, just another wishful thinking. I just say this and that, NO NO I want this, let me be the one. The thirst for liberty and independence gives me a stand but not a soulful decision. It's like moving out from a home and living on the street. I admit I already made a stand and I definitely know what I want, yet, I'm driven by a little force from the past. Telling the world what you're about to do is not the main act--justifying the act comes when you reach the point of no turning back.

Soon enough, when the time is right, I'll stop living on the street and make things worth while. It's also in God's time. Just one irreversible act. Then the end will justify the means.

Back to the Future

2009-08-01T15:40:00.005+08:00

It's funny how my trip to IKEA made me an instant architect//interior designer. SNAP SNAP!

For me and my close friend Nikki, IKEA is Disneyland, some sort of Fantasialand. It's crazy, and people might have thought we're both idiots to actually feel each cubicle like our own: live and real. Who cares? We're in Disneyland! How do curtains and windows, beds and sheets, oven and stove unleash the kid in us? Simple, it brings out a certain feeling of hope. The beauty in hope, is the act of hoping itself. You dream. You begin to wonder the when, the how, with whom? You begin to see a life ahead. These furniture doesn't only make a good aesthetic view of houses, it doesn't symbolize a dreamhouse alone, but the dream to live in a home.

I'm neither good in architecture nor interior designing, but I'm good in dreaming. So let me share a dream... (nikki, you can't say you're gonna make something better than this. We only share a dream to live in a home, not a dream to live together.) SNAP SNAP!

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE.

What I truly Miss

2009-08-01T02:45:00.007+08:00

Perhaps I've been too busy lately, that I'm missing so much how it feels to just shoot and relax. Photography has always been my exit from reality. It gives me a feel of the world and people I want to see. Now that I'm just too attached with numbers and letters, I might find precision to the only egress that always bring me to a better feel.

Effects of Regional Economic Integration

2009-07-30T14:23:00.002+08:00

Effects of Regional Economic Integration

Regional economic integration is an agreement among countries in a region to condense and/or eventually eliminate investment and trading barriers to allow a more convenient flow of capital, goods and services. It is an act within countries of the same geographic region to form an alliance and cross the threshold of conformity to boost regional unity and development. The degree of such agreement can virtually draw down its scope to economical (ex., international monetary fund) and political objectives. Apparently there are certain levels of Regional Integration (Free Trade, Customs Union, Common Market, Economic Union and Political Union); such levels will identify the extent of power and obligations of each country to the union.

It has long been in the pages of history whether or not such integration is beneficial to each participating country. However, by example, we see that the effect of such agreement to those regions like EU, NAFTA, ASEAN et al, exercising this kind of practice is, however, undeniably efficient and valuable. We see a handful number of potential benefits from this exercise such as trade benefits, variety of goods and services, political unity, productivity, and other more that develops a better consensus. Regional Economic integration is a major investment in terms of Global Economic strategy. The alliance of participating countries gives each member the advantage of a bigger market size, draw attention of possible investors outside the bloc, and a stronger political stance.

Never the less, with such great advantage comes a great price. The power obtained from this integration limits your access to other non-member nations. In the creation of trade within the borders of regional bloc ignites trade diversion. In the event of a more convenient trade within the bloc, countries tend to cut off outside resources—which later on becomes a threat to global free trade. Countries’ sovereignty and national identity is by some means affected but not completely eliminated. This is the result of a centralized authority that establishes a standard where as members have to comply.

The benefits of economic integration seem to overpower its snags. I guess what concerns me more than the diversion of trade or reduced authority is its implication to business cultural diversity. Most of the time, the establishment of a standard trade practice pulls out a customary way of dealing with a group. This implies that one’s cultural practices may be bypassed due to a standard strategy of dealing within the regional alliance instead of the country alone.

Canopied Destination

2009-03-02T16:18:00.000+08:00

Canopied Destination.

Most of the time life offers you an option that you never expected to tag along. These unforeseen opportunities however bid us a kind of living that anybody would die for. Unfortunately, despite the goodness it has to offer, this would mean lying down some dreams and taking the long road.

Life just can’t get any better right now. Things are slowly falling down to its place and the race is just starting. There is only one end, yet, the road to destination branched out into some kind of undetermined finale. A lot would actually take the fast lane. In fact, I’d probably take it too. Conversely, the fast lane is also the safe lane; fast, no risks, no challenges, no danger—it’s safe and easy. This road is just so comfortable and convenient that you tend to enjoy much of it and lose the urge to embrace the beauty of its ending. Some say that in life, the end doesn’t really matter, what matters most is the journey. I disagree. The journey is just half the whole. The end justifies the means. Limiting our growth to the journey forbids us to grow further, we are squared to ignore some important details and we may mess up the whole thing. The journey and destination are equally important. It should benefit each other. Most of us avoid the road less taken; a lot actually ignore a long risky dark road. Majority of humans are bound to opt convenience more than quality, thus, missing out the good things nuisance has to offer.

If taking the rocky less chosen road makes me a part of the minority, then so be it. I am blinded by my destination and if the only way to gain back my sight is going for the long road, then I’d gladly take the chance. As I weigh my options, I realized that challenges and danger is the journey itself. You grow and think for the best results. I may be taking a blind shot all through the way, but I’m pretty sure that rainbow comes on the end of it—I’m not sure how or why, but this is the magic of life and a gift from heaven. Destination is all about the person you became; it’s all about how you struggled to reach the end and lived a life along the way. Life is a series of unfortunate events—pain, problem and blood are part of it, so why avoid it? What do we get from fast lanes? Is there even a journey in it?

Brain in Love

2009-02-06T08:55:00.001+08:00

“How do you know you’re in love?—you feel sick.”

You suffer a strange act of insanity and you’ll never know on what grounds. Conversely, this is just the tip of the iceberg, there’s more than that.

Researchers say that falling in love and being in love is just a temporary state. It doesn’t stay there for long; ultimately it’s the friendship that’s sustaining the relationship after the falling stage comes off. When we’re in love we feel miserable, we feel insane and we feel walking on the edges of euphoria. The sense of being miserable comes from wondering what happens next, when you’ll talk again or simply longing to see the person again—simply centered on ‘again’. Usually this happens during courtship or when couples are still dating. In the long run, the supernatural comes off because by the time you feel confident enough about each other’s agenda you’ll think more about the person more than the feeling.

There are some cases when people tend to miss the magical part of the relationship. It’s either they jumpstarted to bed right away or simply ignored the enchantment subsequently realizing that the person already got into their system like a poison and can’t get it off no matter what.

On the other hand, is it really possible to bypass this stage? Is it possible for us to ignore the feeling of falling in love?

Studies show that the brain acts in the same manner during lust and love; this explains why the mood of pleasure during one night stands is perfectly similar to feeling in love. Neuroscience studies claim that during love and sexual activities the brain speeds up the transmission of dopamine, norephinephrine, and serotonin. These neurochemicals are responsible for the miserable sensation of euphoria and temporary insanity and obsession. The chemistry of these neurons is involuntary; it’s not as easy as dictating to them to stop and slow down. Thus, this explains why lust and love are simply irresistible.

We can always choose not to love. It’s our prerogative. However, once we agree to love and allow those neurochemicals to spread around our upper lobes, you know what it means, there is no turning back. Our mind is the single most powerful thing in the world---“it is bigger than the sky”—it controls our destiny. Problems start in the mind and ends in the mind—“It’s all in the mind”. To control is not a problem, but to avoid falling in love is something. Avoidance comes out of fear. We fear the consequences of love that might not progress, we fear the cost of failure but most of all we fear pain. “Escaping from things that cultures pain may seem overwhelming, but with pain comes pleasure. Being in love is not just about the misery, but being superlatively happy. Pain, failure and misery are all part of it. After all this are the things that drive us to be better and cautious on the process of getting into a commitment. There is no freedom from pain, but we can choose to battle pain yet happy along the way. Go ahead and tolerate your urge to dance under the influence of your dopamines and to love/be loved under the spell of euphoria.

Life is short, SIEZE THE DAY!

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” –Sigmund Freud.

Credits to LG's writings and AnDi. :-D

2008-12-24T20:49:00.002+08:00

The Power of Now...

A month ago my mentor told us a story that transformed my view of plans and things. It was a story of a 9 year old girl who weighed the importance of past, present and future. Her dad asked her which is more important between the 3, and briefly she answered, “THE PRESENT!” Her father completely puzzled asked why, and then the little girl said, “The past you can’t do anything about it, the future is not yet here and we’re not sure what lies ahead, we only have NOW and this is the time where we can start making the difference”. See, it just comes from a 9 year old girl, yet the depth of its message is enough to make an adult think.

I guess I am one person who was deeply affected by the message of the story. I was the kind of person who was anxious about the future and I fear the consequences of risks. I have a deuce of time facing the things to come because I nursed my frustrations from the times of yore and I held grudges towards my failures. I realized that my growth and productivity as a person is held back by circumstances of the past and the only way to move ahead is to liberate all the pain. Eckhart Tolle said “Nobody’s life is entirely free of pain and sorrow. Isn’t it a question of learning to live with them rather than trying to avoid them?”—The Power of Now. True enough, there’s nothing we can do about the past, and our only ticket to make it better is to be the best that we can be right now—to live. There’s is actually nothing impossible if we try to put 101% efforts in everything that we do. I noticed that when do our best today, we are essentially making our future sound better.

Carpe Diem! A poem by Horace and more popularly remembered from the movie Dead Poets Society. Seize the day, that’s what we should do, to take chance in everything, to embrace the risks and beat the challenge, to gain from failures and learn from mistakes, to circumvent a stagnant life, to grow, to kiss your parents, to hug a friend, to tell and make that one person feel that you love him/her—to live. The only thing that exists is what is happening right now, so might as well utilize its power to craft all the difference. We may never know what will happen next, what’s there in tomorrow, or what’s left the next day. Things change and people come and go so hold a hand, utter a word, use your voice and never ignore a chance, for without it life is yours to miss.

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. WD”

SPRITE-COIN-BUGOY Phenomenon

2008-10-27T22:08:00.000+08:00

SPRITE-COIN-BUGOY Phenomenon

Do you believe in signs?
Do you believe that God talks to us through signs?

Ever had the feeling that when you’re in the middle of a personal turmoil everything around you seems to sympathize with the situation. It’s debatable how such signs and messages arise in a definite time. So definite that you tend to question it’s reliability.

Life as it is offer hundreds of striking choices, yet it limits you to pick just one. During my younger days, a multiple choice type of examination was an advantage. Today, life’s multiple choices is a burden, part of your choices appear as good as the right one. Rule of elimination states that to be able to make acceptable choices, we should eradicate the choices that were and will never be important in the process of our development. However, when all that’s left are the things important to us, choosing becomes subjective, it depends on how you see and perceive things, thus, leading us to answers that do not guarantee a check mark.

This is why more often than not most of us stop at the middle of these choices and let our inner selves ask for guidance from up above. We ask for signs and we pray to God that he lead us to the right thing. However, as God may not attend to us face to face, we ask God to deliver his messages through signs. In the past weeks I’ve been driven by signs. Choosing the right thing to do should have been too easy for me, but my priorities are soulfully affected by the people around me.

I believe that heaven talks to me through signs, and they speak to me through ordinary things. I suppose many people would agree to the fact that there were moments when they felt so sad or happy then suddenly hears a song that completely describes the way they feel, worst, it becomes a vivid scenario of their reality. Signs come in so many different forms, either ways these are guidelines on how we can address our personal agendas, but it’s totally up to us if we adapt it or not. Signs are everywhere, all we have to do is open our hearts, look around, and listen to things that you don’t usually hear, feel it and let it in.

They say that destiny is just an excuse to cover our incapacities. They say that asking for signs is a mark of immaturity and fear of taking risks. I say not. Nobody said that life depends on destiny or signs, for these are mere guidelines to enlighten you to the next big thing. In the end, we still end up with a choice, a choice to go for it or not.

When I was at the edge of giving up my ultimate dream,
I heard someone say: “THE DREAM YOU DID NOT PURSUE WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

When I was torn between two major life choices, I characterized them as COKE and SPRITE, THEN and THERE, SPRITE COMMERCIAL was on TV.

When I felt so down and kept bragging my friends how confused towards someone, the song of BUGOY was played over the radio. (AKALAIN mong mang asar din e noh)

Today, I prayed and asked God if I was on the right track, again I asked for a sign… while praying I had coins on both sides of my pocket. IF it’s a YES, I asked for a HEAD, IF it’s a NO, I asked for TAILS.
FIRST coin: TAILS
I needed to confirm
SECOND coin: TAILS
I asked, SURE??
THIRD coin: TAILS
(ABA CONSISTENT!) haha

More often that not, God does not address our needs, but he gives what’s best for us. If your requests never happened it doesn’t mean “NO”, it only means NOT YET or I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU. Our prayers are answered in so many different ways. Most of the time, we feel like he doesn’t adhere to our needs, but he does. We just have to utilize our resources to make a connection.

AIDS: Aquired Insanity Due to Studying

2008-10-06T10:43:00.002+08:00

Discharging my Hyperactive, Restless, Relentless Neurotransmitters.
In Layman’s Term: Jack ass’ way to relax

Dim’s Care Plan

61 days before the Big “E”

Dim’s Diagnosis

Risk for Severe Brain Inflammation
Impaired Social Communication
Alteration in Patterns of Daily Lifestyle
Social Isolation

Related to imminent ingenious holy licensure examination
Secondary to studying 500 pages a day, rationalizing 100-item practice test in an hour and 3 hours sleep, in 7 days, for 6 weeks.

As Evidenced by:

Moments of stupidity and dumbness(like this one)
Unadulterated Nursing Vocabulary
Zero Balance Credit Card Statement
Lonely Nikon D80
Outdated Blogs
A season behind Gossip Girls, Heroes, and Grey’s Anatomy
Barely remembers the taste of alcohol
Zero Inbox Messages
Failure to meet friends
Desire for more contact with friends

PLAN, INTERVENTION, OUTCOME:

P: Establish Communication and rapport with God.
I: Pray
O: MERCY, GRACE, BLESSING, ABUNDANCE, MIRACLE

Key Note: NO OTHER POSSIBLE INTERVENTION or TREATMENT
RELATED FACTORS AND EVIDENCES are IRRIVERISBLE

Right. Please try to remind me every now and then that I am still sane. For the record, just a little more of emotional instability and I am truly crashed. Hehe Yet, I think I found a solution to stay commonsensical, SMILE. Hahaha SMILE is a sign of optimism, even, at the midst of a close encounter becoming my father’s patient. ….. WTH.

New Hope, New Life, Justice Served

2008-08-20T23:01:00.008+08:00

PAR DELICTUM: The Act of One is the Act of All

“GUILTY BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBT”

Six Years ago, a terrifying life experience landed in our hands. I was 15 years old back then, young and vulnerable. As known to many of my friends and family acquaintances I am a victim of Kidnap for Ransom. While many would initially have the impression that we are financially overflowing, we’re not. We’re just a middle class, socially established family who just gives out the best for the best.

When people see me and my family today, not a single trace of this incident is evident. I tried to be strong for my family and vice versa. However, when such crime took place I was a minor, I never really understood the intensity of the crime. At some point I crossed over psychological issues just so I won’t fall on my weakness. A lot of people commended on my strength and typifies it to be extraordinary. On the other hand, too much of something is never good, though it’s pleasing to our ears I guess too much strength blinded me to see that such event can happen again. Yes, even the best fall down sometimes. What I considered to be a part of my history repeated itself. Consequently, the repeat of history we now tend to keep in the shelf.

Conversely, today, August 20, 2008, Criminal Case no Q-02-111054 came to an end. The Kidnap for ransom case was promulgated.

“WHEREFORE accused Joseph Randy Mendoza y Teves, Maria Victoria Acuatin y Servo, Joselito Mortega y Amayna and Nelson Pilar y florano are hereby found GUILTY beyond reasonable doubt of the crime of kidnapping for ransom, defined and penalized under Article 267 of the Revised Penal Code, and are sentenced to suffer the Penalty of RECLUSION PERPETUA without eligibility for parole and to indemnify the offended party jointly and severally as follows:

a. The amount of ------------- representing the ransom money;

b. The amount of ------------- as moral damages;

c. The amount of ------------- as exemplary damages.

SO ORDERED”

Under Republic Act No. 7659, the imposition of death penalty is warranted if the motive of the accused is to ransom for the release of the kidnap victim. Considering that Republic Act. No. 9346, entitled, “An Act Prohibiting the Imposition of Death Penalty in the Philippines”, which was signed into law on June 24, 2006, the penalty imposed upon accused, is reduced from death to reclusion perpetua without eligibility for parole (Sec 3, Rep. Act 4203, otherwise known as the Indeterminate Sentence Law, as amended).

While sentence was being propagated, tears were racing down my cheeks. As the details of this history were read it became so vivid. The scenes were flashing back as if they were real. I remember how I tried to console myself during those times, though it was a bit funny, the gravity of this incident was less because I thought I was just doing a movie. I was just an actress and they were the usual big ugly villains. Today, I was mesmerized to see that my movie depicts reality, mine was real. I can shout that I am in high spirits, and those tears I cried were not only tears of joy, but also tears of liberty. I am happy not because my villains will be placed behind the rails, but for the reason that today I know I am offering them my forgiveness (ex gratia). Considering the suspension of Death Penalty, they should reflect on the bright side of life. If only today was 2 years earlier, I am also not sure if I can bear such price.

It seems today, that 6 years ago was just a few weeks back. It took us a very long time to get what we were aiming for. As though it happened so late, it’s better than never. Justice was served, and that’s all that matters.

Today as justice took its place I try to find a whole new meaning to my existence. I was at the edge of death not once, but more than twice. Death is not yet calling; it is not yet my time. I still have to celebrate life finding why my name describes my chances of survival.

“Though I hate to broadcast my life drama, it’s just fair and right to share the details of a happy ending to those people who’ve been there all through out the proceedings. Many people were involved and deserve to be gratified; I guess they already know who they are. For that, Thank You. Vielen Dank”

READ FURTHER DETAILS:

MANILA TIMES NEWSPAPER

PHILIPPINE STAR

Siebengebirge Youth Exchange and Camp

2008-07-15T22:11:00.003+08:00

Siebengebirge Youth Exchange and Camp

I sincerely say that my experience in Siebengebirge was a total blast. Words are not enough to describe how much I gained from this experience. I guess I can state that not only did I enjoy the scenic adventures in Deutschland but moreover I met people of different countries who taught me a lot about the importance of history, cultural exchange, liberty and friendship.

Most Asians like me have to acknowledge the fact that we are somewhat isolated in terms of European History and events, which makes it more interesting for us to listen and take advantage of the youth camp activities. The opportunity to learn more about Deutschland is an eye opener for us to learn the basics of European History, culture, places and happenings—as many would say it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Furthermore, it’s not only the place that made the camp so special and memorable, more the less the bond, companionship and friendship with my co-camp participants deserve the credit. I know that all of us made the worst and best of who we are, yet, we managed to enjoy what’s laid in front of us. What’s truly out of the ordinary was that in such a little time we started to care for each other, we have to look at each others back in times of confusion and predicaments. Though I can honestly say that the group wasn’t as solid as we wanted it to be, at least we learned how to control ourselves to prevent further chaos and distractions. All the things that took placed between all of us was an event to remember. All of us where unique and our individualities pushed us to know more about other people and their way of life. Friendships were formed based not only by our similarities but also because of our indifferences. The friendship that I found most especially to those whom I shared most of the inside jokes will surely remain in my heart for as long as I live.

I had to admit that my experience at the camp made me realize that I was still a kid who’s too dependent to her family, boxed out and naïve of what is happening to the rest of the world. In the span of almost a month specifically for the last 2 weeks, I knew something within me changed, I grew up perhaps not in inches but with a lot of knowledge, wisdom and courage to face the world on my own. This camp did not only allow me to become a better and more mature person, but it also pushed me to learn and explore more.

So much fun—so little time. It breaks my heart that we only had a very limited to spend together, but it is surely a fact that every single thing and event that took place at the camp will be forever in my heart. In Germany I never felt like an Auslander, it feels like home to be there. Es was eine sehr schone Reise. Ich will zuruck, Ich Liebe Deutschland.

P.S... OFCOURSE Vielen Dank to the camp leaders who were really good, persistent
and patient with us, to Daniel and most especially the group’s mommy SOPHIE.
Lastly there’s no camp without a very energetic and youthful Gunter Sandvoss who
made everything possible at the tip of our hands. It’s a pleadure to meet you
Mr. Sandvoss, I’ll make it a vow that I come back to your country.

A Summer Feeling

2008-07-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

May 28, 2008

Before someone else exaggerates my summer story I’ll take the risk and hopefully it ends here. Hopeless romantic as many would say I am I guess I deserve the right to speak my side of the story.

More than a month ago, a friend of mine wrote a blog entitled “A SUMMER FLING”. Obviously, my picture placed as an example, I was sure that she was hitting me right in the face. I found the blog funny actually, but deep inside I was eager to do something to disprove such description. I’m usually challenged by such kind of shaggy dog stories. Yet, as much as I wanted to ‘counterblog’ her writing, the right words and reasons just won’t slip in. I waited for good things, for good signs to eventually take place but it never came. I did not want that special “thing” to end up being called just a summer fling.

(In Dana’s language)
I admit I am not as smooth as others would do it. It would actually take some time to finally get there. Sometimes getting there means someone else has to do it for me. I am not good with this thing, in fact, little do I know on the steps and procedures. All I was sure of was that there was a tingling feeling between the two of us (irregardless if it’s mutual or not). Only a few people knows the real story behind (well my side of the story that is), and some of them were pushing me to go for it, yet most were disproving just the mere thought of it. I was done with that ‘thing’ a long time ago, and I think that’s what makes the story more extraordinary, for a person to in fact change my point of view. Getting there and standing firm on your feelings is not as hard as I would imagine, it’s actually easy, yet the only thing that makes things complicated is when there are other people involved, and if the other party never really gave you a vivid description of what you are and what you should do.

I’m close to giving up…………………

Until one day, unexpectedly, when the night was darker than the usual, a miracle happened. God gave me the sign I’ve been waiting for the longest time. Just when I thought things will now move into progress, I was disenchanted. When God gave me what I asked for, I realized that I don’t want it anymore. I recognized a bigger message from God, that not all things that make you feel good are good for you, or will forever be good for you. In the Cinderella story the shoes was really beautiful and it looks so good, yet it only fits one person. I guess this time that shoe doesn’t fit me, and I may not look good on it either.
I never really thought that there’s such thing as a SUMMER FLING. However, today I feel like compatible to it. Some things are good, but it may not look good on me. This is my summer story, an arguable “SUMMER FLING”, I say not, it was a SUMMER FEELING, a feeling that lasts today.

"FINALLY"

“BE THE CHANGE”

2008-07-15T21:58:00.001+08:00

May 23, 2008

“BE THE CHANGE”

Last week the Multi District 301 Leo Philippines Convention took place in Baguio City. It was indeed a fantastic and a breathtaking experience to eventually meet and bond with our fellow Leos. Once in a while it feels really good that you belong to a certain party where your visions are strident and you know that you have people who share same sentiments as you do. I was happy to see a massive number of delegates from all over the country, more the less, seeing alpha Leos (9 years old-16 years old) joining the convention was certainly spectacular.

“BE THE CHANGE”—is the theme for this LY08-09. I guess it speaks for itself. As many of us agreed, Change is inevitable, avoiding it makes you stagnant, and it makes you lose your sense of purpose and living. Change is the only permanent thing in this world so grab it or leave it; you really don’t have any choice. However, there are also different aspects of ‘change’, you can either adapt to changes or be the change. I suppose this is where we LEOS become different; we are bound to be the change, to be the forefront and leaders of improvement. We do not allow ourselves to be puppets of change, but rather we ignite it. As I’ve always believed, improvements and amendments should not be grounded by circumstances, but instead by our dispositions. Change is everywhere, but only a few takes the risk and leads the world, only a few have the courage to carry the world on their shoulders, I am glad I am a LEO because I know with them, I BECOME ONE OF THOSE FEW.
ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
MEOW!

BE THE CHANGE
By Corey Smith
Open your eyes up people, and take a good look around, Catch the tears fillin’ up all those cracks in the ground. Turn off you televisions; leave your picture perfect neighborhoods A lot of folks out there ain’t doing so good, To many of us left out in the cold No invitations given, no welcome mats unrolled, But you can, be the change you wanna see. Be the hope to those whose lives are far from easy. Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can, And be the change, be the change. Carry the world on your shoulders, for a little while, Put on someone else shoes, and walk around. So many cups a runneth over, while so many goin dry The grass ain’t always green on the other side. There’s still a lot of work to be done, A lot of wrongs to right, a lot of battles to be won. If you can be the change you wanna see, Be the hope to those who lives are far from easy. Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can, And be the change, be the change. Reach out and lend a hand, share everything you can And be the change, be the change. Be the change. Be the change. Be the change

A wonderful person.

2008-07-15T21:57:00.003+08:00

To a friend who thought me how flowers bloom during winter.

A wonderful person.
At first glance she’s nothing.

I hate that she wore heavy make up.

I hate that she dressed a little ‘more less’.

I didn’t like her, but I did not hate her.

She laugh her lungs out

She speaks with boomingly high volume.

She’s got this extra length of eye lashes

And she can put drunkards to ground.

Some say she’s as good as economical

Many liked her I see no argument,

she’s physically irresistible.

She surely knocks people out with a smile.

By the time I heard her speak

I realized how prejudice it was on my part.

I realized that make-ups speak for the name.

Cover ups.

By the time she spoke of her family

I felt naïve

I realized a little more 'less’ clothes

was beseeching for some attention.

By the time she spoke of her lover

I felt arctic

I realized why she spoke in high volume,

She was crying for comfort.

She spoke with transparency,

She spoke with veracity,

She spoke without bearing,

But she spoke with decency.

I cannot believe how I saw her in a very shallow manner,

I cannot believe how she became exactly the opposite,

I admit she is beautiful, but not the extraordinary.

Hear her speak, and then later realize that she’s stunningly sensible.

I dispute that some say she’s economical

She’s more than what our eyes can see,

Just someone who’s making a loud plea,

Someone beating life’s improbability.

I despise my first impressions of her,

She’s not physically extraordinary,

She’s sensibly astonishing.

In fact, she’s one of the most wonderful people who came across.

Durl's Zippo Effect

2008-04-22T11:47:00.004+08:00

Digging Durl

Ever regret something in your life and no matter how hard you swab it out, it keeps coming back? Have you ever felt something so strong for someone else and just a mere thought of it brings you down on your knees? Have you ever thought of fighting for someone who doesn’t even have a clue on a thing or two?

Sometime in your life, you meet this one single soul who brings out the best and hell of who you are in a snap of a finger. Someone who’s too powerful to actually even grab you down from that high wall you’ve been guarding your whole life just to avoid too much pain and misery from outside forces. There you were having the time of your life, and in a wink of an eye everything changes. Someone comes in and for all the unknown reasons a part of you shivers, worst, your perspectives and dispositions in life are highly at stake. You try not to be over ruled, yet, it’s that powerful. One morning you find yourself having sleepless nights because you’ve been talking about things, life, people… you’ve been talking A-Z unknowingly missing out on 24/7. I guess once or twice in our lifetime, we meet a person who has this bizarre effect on us. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that this person is our soul mate. However, there effect is as powerful, well, I wouldn’t know given that I haven’t met my soul mate. But I know for sure I’ve been feeling crazy these past weeks.

I guess what makes us feel out of the ordinary are not the things that we do with this people. It’s the things that you can’t control in their presence (like a heart beating in a rush, a breathe pending to burst, tears racing down your cheeks). The feeling of actually starting something new is the best feeling in the world; it makes you feel like a kid in a candy store. However, just when you thought things were running smoothly, it stabs you in the chest to in point of fact realize that you’re left hanging in the air. One day you open your eyes and grasp to reality that you’re all alone now. Whatever happened to A-Z, you can’t seem to explain. Then you question yourself and you even ask God, Why? Why it has to be that quick, why it hurts like hell? You know the answers, yet you want God to answer why you have to stop having the time of you life just to get yourself at the edge of misery. It’s not like you’re questioning God, more like you’re asking for comfort from the one who knows so well. Occasionally we do want to keep things only with God to save ourselves from egoistic disadvantages of rejection. We pretend not be hurt and we even fake emotions so not to add damage to injury. However, the more we keep things discreet, the more it strives to come out.

More often than not what hurts us are not the things that we don’t understand, nor the things that are left unanswered. Sometimes, what hurts more are the things we know how to answer, and the times we know what to do, yet we are held back by circumstances. Words left unsaid are feelings bound to be suppressed, that’s where the pain comes from. Never the less, there’s something more painful than that. It’s having the guts to speak the words and take the risk, yet chances wont give you a shot. You feel nostalgic seeking for options that are not freely given to you. Options reserved to be deserved yet they deprive you of it.

Now you still find yourself in the morning having those sleepless nights, the only difference now is that you no longer have A-Z conversations, just an empty hand and a wet pillow. By the time you are graced to fall asleep, dreams become visions of what used to be. Then you wake up wishing dreams to be reality, you wake up hoping for visions of what you should be.

“I’m not pining for any mutual response, but I wish I could have one. I’m not asking anything, just yearning for that one true peace of mind. If yesterday, today and tomorrow is the right time that I’m not yet sure. Time is of the essence because with you my time bunged. I do have options but you discreetly deprived me of it. I long to tell you, but you’re not giving me any chances. Someday you’ll know, but I hope by then my sentiments have not yet ended. I hope you learn that you don’t deserve to settle with someone who just sees you as a material, a bank account, a trophy… you don’t deserve someone good… only the best. You came in a rush, yet you left in that same manner. Yesterday, today, tomorrow I admit you got me,
You’re the only person who taught me how to fall in “love” without any reservations.
I love you today, and I hope tomorrow I still do.”

SMB: In memory of our Cab it Days!

2008-04-15T14:51:00.006+08:00

Just now I was trying to go through some old photos from my friendster account. I was planning to delete some old images since I’m starting to feel revolted on the number of photos I’ve been putting on my profile. I don’t usually just put photos on my account; most of them talk about the details of spectacular events. It’s funny though that while I was browsing each photo I cannot hand pick a single photo to delete, I am always reminded by the memory behind it.

Now my plan to fix my profile pictures was totally moving. I smile each time I see a photo of my SMB family. I’m missing the good old times with Sha(Piocx), Abby(Kaps), Rai(Partner), Pai, Viray, Jill and the other major key players from the CAB it days. It’s been awhile now since the last time we’ve gone out as a whole. Everybody’s just too busy with their own agendas now, not to mention a life not—single anymore. I feel a pressure on my chest looking back on how we used to be. I’m missing the feeling of not trying to worry about what will happen next for I know that whatever transpires between all of us, we’ll find a way to have fun. This was the time where confidence was up to beat and taking all the risks was a part of the game. Drinking until we drop on ground zero was a legacy we all went through (OFFICER DOWN-OFFICER DOWN). These people gave me a whole new meaning on how to be young and free, to fall in love without fear and hesitation.

People do come and go, but people called friends give you the best there is. The intensity they give you will always be different from what ordinary people can offer. Their absence soulfully affects a part of you and pushes you to find people who can fill in the gaps. Yet, in the end you disappoint yourself realizing that there will be no other who can stand-in their space.

In my pursuit to revert I ended up wanting more. But wanting more will only take me less of reality. I realized that I don’t have to reinstate my best buddies just to get back to the life I used to have, SMB family is a legacy, and thus, replacing them would only mean creating just another kind.

In memory of the Cab it! Days….
I miss my drinking buddies…..
Till then… and AGAIN! ahaha

Politics is Policy, Policy is Poltics: Explosives by a Chinese PROMDI

2008-02-14T14:15:00.005+08:00

I've been trying to run away from this topic because I feel like everytime government scandals arise, they are all the same, worst they also end up in an identical manner. But since I was asked to write one, might as well share my thoughts..... Pipi, goodluck. ahahaha

Politics is Policy, Policy is Poltics

It is indeed a fact that someone who repeatedly called himself “Simpleng Probinsianong intsik” made it to the newsstand for a week or two. Yes! Rodolfo Noel “JUN” Lozada Jr. became an instant celebrity, or rather, another Filipino Hero. Sadly, I strongly express my grief that this instant hero is not even a full-blooded Juan Dela Cruz. The NBN whistle blower though emotionally and physically sapped showed his strength of character by telling his story and defeating his own fears. Lozada, having the decision to surrender himself before the public and expose an immense scandal like this was never easy. The decision to capitulate in the house of the religious in one way or the other lead to the conversion of heart of this young brave man. He sure laid all his aces in the table and just hoped for the next big thing.

The ZTE-NBN scandal already waived too much attention from the public. However, it is in this expose where people can minimally see how corruption takes place in our country and how we are slowly being diverted to a highly controlled democracy.

My position in this matter was basically hooked up from what I saw on TV. Never the less this did not impede me to see an honest man in Lozada. I was moved by his stories, but he gained my respect when he allegedly admitted that he is not the cleanest man – that at certain point in his life he did things that he strongly regrets, amidst the continuous attack on his credibility by prominently known administration senators. It is also overwhelming to hear such sturdy terms like government procurement (which will in fact be a significant description in government history) and moderate greed. It was only now that I realize that in a government like this, greed is being established in mild moderate severe measures.

The explosives of Jun Lozada surely affected the comfort of Malacanang, never the less, the intensity of the explosion was not brawny enough to disintegrate the walls of the first family. Arroyo’s cabinet members are its frontlines; they always deal with issues and predicaments like this. Unfortunately for us Filipinos, too much loyalty to the first family gives them the power to rule over the law. The alleged kidnapping (not abduction as corrected by Senator Escudero), is nowhere outside the hands of Razon, Atienza and their command center, the Malacanang. Its funny how they were given enough time over the weekend to at least patch up the inconsistencies in the version of their stories, yet, I strongly believe that they made a big bewilderment in the senate investigation.

In fairness there are still a few good men in this government, however, how they are being manipulated is yet to be derived. It is distressing to see that instead of political parties formed through principles it is being grounded by allegiances, loyalty is to brotherhood and not to the country.

In this generation where bright minds are corrupted by ambitions and greed, I feel sad that our last resort is God. I hope and pray that political chaos run away from the eyes of an innocent youth, so that someday we will be able to identify our strengths and capabilities without a trace of a disgraceful government. The progress of this investigation is yet to be seen; never the less I hope and pray that good will triumph over evil.

As Condrado De Qurios said,

Maybe God works in truly mysterious ways, or maybe that’s just the sublime way of things, miracles happening when you least expect it. In Tolkien’s “Lord of the Ring,” it wasn’t the valiant king of men, the swift-footed prince of elves, the last remaining royal descendant of the dwarfs, or the powerful white wizard that put an end to the terrifying, impregnable, and seemingly interminable rule of evil Mordor. It was a most unlikely creature, a short, unimpressive, Hobbit named Frodo. Except that he would be courageous, pure of heart, and would have the power to resist the thoroughly corrupting influence of evil. What can one say?

I guess in the end we only have limited options, hope, wonder, pray, wait for the next big thing and cross our fingers.

Running Away

2008-01-31T23:36:00.000+08:00

Running Away

Sometimes I wish I can be as tough as the rock, or maybe just numb enough to not feel this life’s uncertainties. I hope I can just ignore pain, fear and resentment. I wish I can, but I guess life doesn’t offer some sort of privilege card, something to save you from a hassle free state, nothing to excuse you to live a life that’s subjected to too much dilemma.

I hate drama. I get aggravated with emotions, yes even my own. All I want to do is laugh, smile, laugh and laugh and be happy for the rest of my life. Of course laughter can just mask ones deepest predicament. Unfortunately, I deduce that the more you keep something in discreet, the louder it bangs back to your face. Poignant freaks are however everywhere, from music lyricist to everyday television and even the worst politics have their own production. S**t happens, and I am afraid they are just far and wide. In fact, writing a blog like this makes me no different, but I’d rather be like them than end up a suicidal psychopath.

I’ve always believe that being happy is a product of personal dispositions and not by circumstances. We can be happy for all times sake as long as we allow ourselves in that state. However, it’s just too unlucky that sometimes, dispositions are outdone by extrinsic extraneous forces that won’t stop unless they make it into your circle. I wish there’s this imposed regulation to keep you unattached to anybody, so no one gets hurt in the end. Why cant people just stay out of each other’s business, why can’t we just live our own lives and be happy. If it’s impossible not to get involve, why don’t we just do something good for each other, why do we have to throw shit on people when survival is at stake? Why can’t we just take full responsibility to our inadequacies?

Sometimes I wish Freud didn’t discover what EGO is, so nobody can use such stupid excuse. PRIDE, FEAR, ANGER, EGO, CHAOS, they are all mindsets, some dim factors that makes a very unhappy world.

Yes, I keep wishing usual things not to take place, so I myself can find an excuse to run away. So I can cover up to these dense mindsets that make me less of who I am. I seek security from my friends, but I guess I’m not the only one having this kind of turmoil up in head. People say that everything happens for a reason, and it doesn’t leave without a lesson. At some point such things make us stronger, but I wish not to be stronger for I am too powerful not to face and bear down to my weakness, for I am intimidated by my own strong points.

Tomorrow always begins in the East, so I have to stop waiting for the sun to shine in the West, I’ll just have to go with the flow and wake up each morning facing the East. Our dispositions should be like the Sun, it doesn’t change its setting and no circumstance nor can bad weather move it to the west. Nobody can alter others character and principles don’t let people ruin what’s already laid down, live your life like the sun, and let people deal with that.

P.S: “YOU CANNOT SHUT THE SUN DOWN. YOU CAN WAIT FOR ‘TONIGHT’, BUT TOMORROW WE WILL STILL SHINE”

Hell to the BIG MACHINE

2008-01-16T22:51:00.001+08:00

Hell to the big machine

“You’re going to need some help” she said.

“What are you freaking nuts? And who are you to tell” she answered.

With a strike in the heart she was forced to just stop and leave. She knew nothing was heartfelt, and she just allowed herself to be a part of their marionette demonstration. The launch of her nightmare was on.

I entered the room and saw her in dirge

“She’s moved to the big machine.” she softly said.

“You don’t have to move with the rest of the crew.” I told her.

“I don’t care about the crew, he is my blood, I feel responsible if he’s not going to make it in the big machine” she replied.

“Gabby, no one makes it out there, it’s either you lose him forever, or he will realize that the big machine is not his home” I alleged

Then she looked at me with an edge of sarcasm and doubt.

“He’s old enough. Let him Go Gabs, we are not in the position to barricade him to the places he wants to explore” I immediately said.

“Let him go, knowing he’s going to be killed there?” she asked.
I don’t know what else to tell her, so I just left her with a tap.

I was on my way home when I saw a BIG M poster beside a door that looks like a vendo machine. It was all nice and catchy. It’s hypnotizing. I tried to figure out how it drives people to go nuts. As I was to put my foot forward, I noticed the poster’s changing; colors were turning black and black until I’m starting to feel dizzy. Someone came out so the door opened and I got to have a sneak peak on what’s inside. The inside looks like the set of Charlie’s chocolate factory with a hole in the middle. I saw people and a couple of friends in nirvana. I wanted to join the fun so I attempted to enter the room. Not until a voice from a far was tingling in my ears.

My parents. The gush to go in was outweighed by their presence.

We went for a cup of coffee across the street. I got a pretty good view from the BIG M door. I was amazed to see a couple of friends going in. They just didn’t know. Then I was overwhelmed to see Gabby’s brother trying to come out. There was this girl who was patiently waiting for him to finally come out; unfortunately, the full force crew was stronger to pull him back in. A girl from the crew discreetly laughed at the poor girl outside. The door was slowly closing as I was petrified to see him jump with the other girl into the hole. Nobody noticed, the other crew went out, they didn’t even care.

An old friend of mine came rushing out the door with his girlfriend. He saw me across.

“I saw what happened. I’ve been there, I fell on that very same hole” as she lowered down his head and shook.

“Is there something else we can do?” I questioned.

“I don’t think there is. You can only speak for your ass down there. People will leave you just to get out; they won’t really care about you”

“What happens if he can’t come up?” puzzled.

“If he will not help himself, He will surely die.” With a definite tone.

My heart was torn apart. I felt really dirked thinking about Gabby and the girl who was waiting outside.

Today, I’m still sitting from my point of view. I am patiently waiting for him to come out. I’m mad and I am exhausted. It’s been awhile and yet there’s no sign of him. A few people from that hole were coming out one by one.

A tear fell and rush down my cheeks when I overheard survivors talking.

“He’s a freak. He wants to come out.” A man said

“I know right? But the girl doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay there but he wont allow him to go.” The other said.

“He’s trying not leave the girl. Tsktsk.. Heroic deeds…It sucks!”

“Hero? It takes a lot to be one. We should all start by being heroes to ourselves.” softly said

“We should all die at our own cause” he agreed.

My hopes were popping out; it’s as if any moment it will shatter. I was about to turn my back, but I can’t leave Gabby, she wont stop. I know I can’t leave; I can’t leave a family in deep shit.

We can’t spend the rest of our lives waiting across that street. So I pulled my sister to the car and promised her to keep an eye on the scene. I held her hand as I bow down my head, I know there’s nothing else we can do but to wait and see.

For the last time I threw a glance at the BIG MACHINE.
“Brother please come out, big machine’s not your home. Brother Come out I beg you see how we weep”

Life is a matter of choice. Some choices are chaotic by nature. In the end, when all else fail, we are left with a choice to MOVE on and go on with our OWN LIVES.

Anger Management: Patience

2007-10-12T04:11:00.000+08:00

“Patience is a Virtue”

Fine. I’ve heard about this like a thousand times, “Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue” WHAT THE HECK! Do people always have to stick to that Rule? How important is Virtue anyway? Is it more imperative than being honest to ones self?

I wish somebody could tell me that being right is better than being happy.

Generally speaking the echo of patience is vague. Many people say that being patient takes you somewhere you deserve, and the crops of it will shower you with infinite satisfaction. However, does this rule apply when people keeps on ditching you? Is this some kind of a yield for people to become so damn insensitive? A person that is patient enough gives other people the license to chuck him. I robustly deem to the fact that sometimes, or most of the time, a person becomes abusive of the things that are readily available to him/her. Only that, quandary launches when people become subjects of their own virtues. The intensity of one’s insensitivity is subject to befall to the consequences of patience and forgiveness.

Many times I’ve wondered if indeed there is a Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson’s character in Anger Management), wishing and hoping that I can get options or sort off redirection to divert all my antagonisms. I hardly ever lodge grudges against people, and if I did, it won’t even last a day. People hardly gets a NO from me, most of the time it’s either a YES or OKAY! It’s a weakness I am aware of, and it’s something I’ve been really trying to get rid. This is the kind of weakness people grab and take advantage. For the past months I’ve grown mature of the things and people around me. Getting a glimpse of whose who and who’s suppose to. I came to discern that a few people suddenly went off track because it seems I’m no longer that useful to them. Never the less, who cares…. THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR… but YES, that is also where it all hurts. Finding out the people who’s a part of your PRIORITY considers you to be just an OPTION. People say love friends UNCONDITIONALY, which means getting hurt is a part of the whole deal. However, does UNCONDITIONAL LOVE excuse friends from ditching you over and over again, and those who keep on breaking promises and telling lies? Often times the cut is deeper when it’s your friend who unintentionally stabs you from within.
I’ve been hurt a couple of times, I’ve been stabbed and was deprived to breath freely. I’ve been crying louder than a cat’s walk. Moments like this, makes me want to ask for an assurance that PATIENCE is a VIRTUE.

What is this VIRTUE for if deep inside I’m bleeding?
What difference it makes anyway?
Is having that Virtue far more important than having a sense of Euphoria?

à The definition of friendship is yet unrevealed for me. What’s clear is that I know and agree that friendship should always be unconditional. Never the less, I’m still bound for imperfection as all humans do. I love, get hurt, I trust, get betrayed, I’m patient, I get over used, in the end I leap to forgive and forget,,,,,, I leap to forgive and forget. Sooner or later I hope I collide with the genuine implication of patience as a virtue. Perhaps this is a part of my journey, to find out how it is to be human, yearning for perfection yet bound for imperfection.

“Forgive those who offense you seven times, but until Seventy times Seven Times”
Matthew 18.21:
“Whoever counts has not forgiven at all, but is only biding his or her time”
1 Co 13:5

Point Blank Excuses

2007-10-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

This is just one of those days that my dopamine level seems to be excruciatingly low. I can’t work, I can’t sleep, and I am 0% productive. I attempt to brawl this moment of sentimentality, which in fact is idiopathic in nature, but all I get is a blank stare bouncing back at me.

I look around, finding things to explore yet I end up looking at stuffs that are not worth my time, or maybe just maybe, my disposition is irrevocably unpredictable. At times like this, my empty mind is crammed with thoughts that are unbearable and impossible, sometimes bizarre. Just like a person with an empty stomach, it makes you crave for food; you tend to satisfy your hunger at any expense. An empty mind works similar, you dash after any kind of information just to suit yourself, and chances are you become naïve. The intensity of this probability is manifested to such extent that occasionally you can’t limit yourself to possible discrepancies, thus, pushes you to become outrageous or indeed commendable.

Suddenly I came to a conclusion, sort off a confusion too, that unpleasant events are brought to us by people who doesn’t have anything to do. Take for example the outburst of recent issues concerning ANTI-FILIPINO statements from American TV sitcoms. I’m kind of perplexed if such statements are acceptable regardless of its intent and genuine gist, somehow questioning the factors that led those people to express such unbearable statements. I’m beginning just to consider the idea that perhaps people responsible to such statements were out of their mind. Maybe they didn’t have anything else to say or do so they bent their frustrations to people who they think are a lesser threat. People like them are those who have an empty head and heart, they become insensitive just to add fame to there name.

I am always open to the actuality that there is always a negative and a constructive effect of comings and goings. However, what we people are ought to do is to prevent that negative effect to take place. We should have that sense of responsibility to limit ourselves and shun from becoming disgraceful. People always have the option to make their actions tolerable; we cannot always blame being contemptible to such mindless excuses. Finding ourselves at point blank will neither never be an excuse, being naïve is certainly being youthful too, and just like kids we should submit to the morals of society quantifying our actions in terms of what is extremely right and wrong.

To Friends Who Come and Go

2007-09-30T03:53:00.000+08:00

“FRIENDS ARE LIKE PARACHUTES, WHEN THEY ARE NOT THERE WHEN YOU NEED THEM, TENDENCIES ARE, YOU WONT NEED THEM AGAIN”

On my younger days I’ve had the notion that friends will be there no matter what. I’ve always believe that friendship is something that makes one very vulnerable yet brings the best out of everything. On the other hand, we cannot measure friendship by the years you’ve known each other, or by being comfortable on each other’s arms, friendship is unbeaten when in fact you are able to adapt changes and stay united regardless of the circumstances.

All of us have a different definition of a real friendship, some say that true friends are those who save you from being the bad guy, some say true friends are those who join you and be a bad guy as well. Either ways, you can be both. Becoming a true friend doesn’t depend on what you do for you’re friends, but merely by your sincerity to stick with them and be there through thick and thin. Let’s face it, FRIENDS will not be there 24/7, there will be moments where you have to do things by yourself, but what friends are ought to do is to make you feel secure and confident on their absence. Friends should make you feel that even if you’re alone and down there is a guarantee that they will back you up on the edge of pandemonium.

However when you’ve been too attached to your friends, tendencies are you become dependent and secure. Thus, being too dependent and secure will eventually make you half the person you should be. By the time that your other half (FRIEND) moves out of the frame, you are paralyzed. Just like any other relationships the inability to cope with change will stress you out; it establishes some kind of chaos. Friendship is exceptionally different from any other kinds of relationships. When friends hurt you the pain is 10 times stronger, chances are, it will break that last piece of who you are.

Lately I came to notice that at a snail's pace my closest friends’ are out of boarder. I hardly ever see or talk to them.
“Hey What’s up? I miss you!”
NO REPLY
“What happened to you? I’ve been really worried about you since the last time we talked”
NO REPLY
“Hoy Buhay ka pa?”
NO REPLY
“Alis naman tayo”
NO REPLY
This is not a kind of MISCOMMUNICATION; it is rather a NO COMMUNICATION SET UP. In friendship COMMUNICATION is very important, it doesn’t matter if you say dreadful words, what matters is that you give your friend the benefit of the doubt. SILENCE speaks a thousand words, at the same time it may drown you to confusion. I respect that sometimes SILENCE and SPACE is needed to give a friend a room to breathe or think about his/her own problems in life, but it doesn’t give you the license to go on your own and leave your friends hanging in the air. You could at least give them time to prepare themselves that they are on there own. I beg to disagree to the ever famous excuse “Sorry, I’ve been busy”, friends always find time to reach out. The failure to eventually do it will mitigate the foundations of friendship.

Before you know it that BESTFRIEND YOU USED TO HAVE SUDDENLY BECOMES JUST AN AQUINATANCE (a person you just know)

In situations like this some people will just say “GIVE IT TIME, maybe he/she is in despair, be PATIENT, you have deeper understanding”. The problem sometimes is a product of being too sheltered that whatever you do, you know friends will do understand. The truth is, most of the time they don’t, most of the time they just PRETEND to appreciate the whole thing, most of the time they deny that there is in fact a gap in between those SILENCE”

“Pretending will never be effective for me, a couple of friends are gradually giving me enough reason to hibernate, and I’m starting to grow sick and tired of being overlooked. I’m beginning to feel that some people value friendship like toys, they abandon you when they find something better. I know I cannot give the world to my friends, and I’m pretty sure I’m not enough to satisfy all their comforts and luxury in life, I can neither guarantee them a 24/7 company nor stop the world from making them cry but I’m sure I will stick with them through thick and thin, through good times and bad times, through heaven and hell. And even if I come to meet new people who can feel the gaps, I will never trade my old friends. Friends may dump me or leave me; they can even pull the trigger towards me, but dumping them will never be on my vocabulary, they will always be on top of my list, they will always remain as the people who made the hell and best of who I am. The foundations of my whole being are strengthened by those people who came and go and especially by those who stayed.”

Point One Inch

2007-09-11T17:11:00.000+08:00

A one way love affair...
Common to people who's inlove with a kid in a candy store. A love embraced by cowardness and insensitivity. When it strikes you you'll have to seek answer, you'll have to seek a chance... you have to go...When do you start moving on? When do you know when to stop? Is it worth fighting for, or its just a waste of time? Do you really have the guts to stop? Can you honestly ask your heart and force it to stop? Love is like a carcinoma... If affects the whole of you.. it metastasize... One day its gone.. but it's in fact recurrent...

.1 inch
Closer than it may seem
Heart Beats were amplified
Heart beats were running a hundred miles
Elbows were in Friction
Eyes were on the same level
Cheeks were gliding
And lips were crashing…
That’s all it took to weaken a 4 month endeavor…
Just when you thought you’re already at the apex,
One touch is too controlling to bring you back at 1.

Here we are, back to the old case scenario.
Here we are driving back that same one way street.

A very superficial .1 inch…
Yet its inner walls are drawn apart.
.1 inch seem so sweet and true
It sounds romantic on my point of view
But that sound fades as I face reality
Coz when eyes were on that same level,
Only two eyes were open.

If insensitivity scamper in your blood,
Or if indeed no feelings were enclosed
I hope and pray that on my next venture to overlook and shift,
I hope I won’t end back at one. Again not back at one.

Moving on: Nerves over Pulses

2007-07-21T03:39:00.000+08:00

We all know that not all relationships work. At one point or the other, it doesn’t work out the way we expect it to be, it suddenly falls short. At the end of all relationships who knows where and how to start; or factually speaking how do we end it once and for all. How do we know when it is really over, how do we move on?

Many people are having a tough time moving on from relationship break ups. It’s as if it is the end of the world for them. People don’t often recognize the reality that break ups are part of relationships and life. We seldom appreciate the fact that these kinds of crisis make us grow and be better persons or partners indeed. To eventually surpass a break up, one should stop thinking that what is common to the world is unique to the person. Certainly couples break up with different reasons in such different ways, yet the feeling is mutual for everybody, there is a pinch or punch of pain. Moving on from break-ups is not as easy from what I know, but we have to acknowledge that most of the time some good things come to an end. Never the less, we have an option to make good things happen again, and that starts simply when we get over the things that already came to an end.

But then again how do we start?

The first step to getting over is that we have to step beyond denials. We have to recognize the truth that the relationship has already ended. Once details are accepted, we then have to start conditioning ourselves about wanting to move on and forget about the person. The determination of the person to move on is in fact the Golden Rule of Getting over. Actions towards something are always initiated by the willpower of the person to eventually act on it. However this does not save you from having ‘visions of what used to be’. There will always be instances where one encounters memories of what went on the course of the relationship. Events like this are normal, but it doesn’t mean that we should not act on it. The best management to such things is to habitually question one’s self why such emotions and memories arise. You have to source out the roots of such feelings and visions. Answers to such questions will lead you to the right direction, and finally makes you discover more about yourself, how you can be stronger and be more efficient on your next relationship. The last thing which is also important in getting over is that we have to talk it out. We have to let go of such thoughts and emotions that are spinning on our head. We should keep in mind, that unspoken words mean repressed emotions. Thus, such emotions will hamper you to let go of such bitterness.

Until then we have to understand that moving on literally means to look forward.
The things that we should always remember when moving on is that we have to put aside the heart and let the brain do the move.

Now, does this give us the assurance that we are ready for a new relationship?

No. Getting over someone is not a warrant that we are ready to enter a new commitment. Getting over someone only means that we have accepted that our previous relationship with them has truly ended. Only that most of the time, people tend to divert their bitterness to the person towards love. Thus, it becomes a baggage on the next relationship. This baggage contains a room for comparison. Our bitterness towards love makes us hold back because of fear that such painful event will happen again. Until we learn to set free this bitterness; that will only be the time that we are assured ready to be in a relationship again.

A friend once said “Hate the person, but not love” simple words, yet, powerful in meaning. Once you start hating love, it’s a package deal. You then start to lose that sense of identity, because you will eventually forget how to love and trust yourself. And unless you don’t know how to love yourself, it will hinder you to love other people.

If you find it too difficult too resolve problems, it is always effective to consult the heart but let the brain do the move.

Crossing the Line – Hitting Below the Belt

2007-07-17T15:08:00.000+08:00

We usually have a hard time limiting or holding ourselves to stay behind the boundaries. When a person is highly motivated or interested into something, they have a tendency to indulge themselves on the situation, not aware that it’s too much already. Crossing the line may start in the smallest details and may end up in big ones tending to hit others below the belt.

Is there a difference between Crossing the line and Hitting Below the belt?

Trying to recognize the difference merely depends on the intention and its effect on the other person involved. Usually, people associate “Crossing the Line” as a harmful thing. Negative as it may seem, crossing the line may also be an act of bravery. There are situations when a person needs to cross the line, circumstances like telling your best friend that you’re in love with him/her. Beyond the line lays a great risk, risks that may either make the time of your life or such that may prevent you to move beyond the line for the rest of your life. It may sound as good as it seem but “hitting below the belt” shows a different scenario. In this case, you either do it unintentionally or intentionally, though such intentions are often unacceptable and bad. However, may it be intentional or not à it causes pain and hurt feelings all at the end.

Both are products of good or bad purpose, intended or not. What difference does it make anyway? The only divergence is how it distress the persons involved. A person doesn’t habitually realize the consequences of their actions. It’s an egotistical mechanism of a certain individual which primarily entail insensitivity or oversensitivity. In fact it even reaches a point where the regularity of a certain action pushes one’s self to move to the next level at the expense of others.

No one is ruling out that people should not cross lines. We should not limit ourselves from doing that, it essentially helps us grow and move further. Yet, this does not give us the license to go all the way. We should always learn by heart that in everything we do, we should be sensitive enough on the feelings of others. It is significant that we assess the maturity or readiness of other people to adapt the consequence of our actions and at the same time we should know how we stand in their lives. Our relationship with people will best explain how we handle situations with them. True enough that from time to time we use such mechanism as an offense and defense; to save ourselves and intentionally hurt someone. Nevertheless, will that make you feel better if you win, but you didn’t play it fair?

Literally speaking, when a boxer is highly aggravated to win, he may hit his opponent below the belt. It is a premeditated act that will result severe pain. Unlike when people simply cross lines, he may cross as many different lines, just depends where it will lead them; it’s like delivering a good legal punch to the opponent. When you cross lines, you hit the person in the head but when you hit below the belt you hit them in the heart. In the end, it may have a double standard effect; one can make the best out of you or both can be damaging to a person’s holistic formation. It is no longer an issue of good or bad intentions, what’s important is how we manage the situation.

“Bravery is not a crime, but too much of something is always bad”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri

2007-07-10T23:38:00.000+08:00

A while ago I've heard over the news that Zubiri already won the 12Th spot for the Senate, good for him. I don't want to pre-judge the winning situation as much as I don't want to spoil Zubiri from celebrating his victory party. Although I'm not sure if that would make me smile. Philippine politics goes back to its old routine, barrio tic. When will be the time that we learn how to be mature politically.

We all know that Zubiri won at the courtesy of the Maguindanao votes. However, the authenticity of those votes are yet to be proved. It sounds confusing that the authorities actually questions Pidol but embraces the miracles of his action. What I'm trying to point out here is that, why investigate the person, then in the long run you show the people that there is nothing controversial at all. If in case you are not aware why I'm bragging this Maguindanao votes to be controversial is because first, it's statistically improbable (12-0? tsss DREAM ON) second, the Maguindanao election officers themselves are claiming that there was indeed foul play, third, the numbers from the official COC's doesn't match with some local returns. fifth, the provincial officer admitted that he lost the COC's (which reminds me, that's not legal); now do the math.I may sound bias and yes now I'm pre-judging the situation, but don't you think that its pretty obvious? Why do they have to include something that seems to be a fraud. Okay. In fairness to Comelec, they are postponing the proclamation of Juan Miguel Zubiri and wait for the oral arguments from the Supreme court. Actually that's the only fair thing I consider.

I'm now trying to question myself, would it make me feel better: if people will like me for who I'm not rather than hating me for the person I really am, or getting high grades out of sucking other people's effort than failing from my own mistakes. Same thing goes with Zubiri, I wonder how he goes to sleep at night thinking that the votes which infact will officially bring him to Senate are questionable? I guess that doesn't matter anymore. It's really funny that sometimes even if you're such a great man, at the midst of crisis you'll suck blood out of nowhere to be able to survive.

Maybe its about time that we should make reforms and changes, we should embrace innovations and offer a helping hand. I am hopeful that someday this government can be efficient and credible.

When love comes around

2007-07-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

They said that love is not a matter of why,when and who? There are things I've been really avoiding for the past months.. The level of my conformity to the morals of society is quite close to the highest level. I dont care whether people will like me or not, what matters to me is that I'm always doing the right thing. But I realized that always doing the right thing, is not what matters, but what really makes you happy.We can always do whatever we want at all expense as long as we know how to limit ourselves to the things, that are not only best for you.. but to the rest of the people around you.

They say love comes at your darkest hours, partly true; but I'd rather want to believe the fact that people come, but not always love. I've been dealing with people who are close to getting a space in my heart, but soon enough I realize that not all or no one really fits the space; its eaither they are too big, or too small. I know we can never find a pefect partner or a perfect person, in fact we should never try finding it. I havent really felt the spark of what they call love lately, and I'm no longer finding a place to play, or a person to play with; I dont want to get drop dead serious when I know theres no one worth being serious with. It's really ironic, that when love comes knocking on your front door, you then chose to use the back door, and when you go knock on someone else' door... they do the same.. I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND THE PERSON WHO CAN SATISFY the emptiness I'm feeling, merely hoping that the emptiness heals by itself..

"IM TRYING NOT TO BELIEVE IN A SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!! I'VE HAD IT ALL, THE BEST, AND YES THE WORST. tRIED TO FIGHT SOMEONE AND GOT NOTHING. GAVE MY TIME, EFFORT AND ALL, BUT IT WAS'NT ENOUGH TO MAKE THE PERSON STAY. SWALLOWED UP EVERY PIECE OF CRAP JUST TO HANG ON, BUT STILL I'VE BEEN BLINDED BY THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN CHEATED. MAYBE I SHOULD GET MORE TIME TO REALIZE THOSE CYNICAL ACTS OF DISPUTE OF MY OWNSELF. COUNT EVERY REDUNDANCY,, THAT IN THE END IS REALLY WHAT WE CALL LOVE"

Controlling the Chaos

2007-07-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

I’ve really loved the feeling of not being able to think at all. I’ve been setting myself to things that will consume most of my time and eventually forget the real deal. I’m pushing myself to the limits but I know at the end of the show, I will be there… back to the chaos I’ve been avoiding.

I’m trying to run before the issues that keep dragging my whole being, but I know that running is all I can do. I thought forgetting was as easy, but I know it’s a punch to the moon. I prayed that one morning I wake up with a real smile on my face and do the things that I really wanted. I always stare at the sky at night and wait for a falling star to come, so I can throw my wishes up and away.

I always wanted to prove something out of myself. Often times I feel like I’m not at my best and other people can’t and won’t even bother to see that. I feel frustrated that proving something means I have to cheat myself at times. I have to feed my head with ideas that contradicts the whole thing. Chaos starts to ignite in my head and the more I’m trying to control and keep it discreet, the louder it bangs into my face!

All my life I never really aimed to be the best, but all I ever dreamed was to make my folks proud. I look up to them and wish I can be just like them, simple yet satisfied with life. I know somehow they don’t see me as someone who will make it to the top, but still I wish I can be there. I feel happy when people compare me to them, and I feel happy when people say I’m next in line. However not all people pushes me to strive harder. Some say sooner or later, last names will change and I will be out of the picture. It sounds too shallow, but it hurts like hell. I want to be the best not just because I want to prove something to myself, but I want to be the best because I want them to see me as a different person. Not just the little girl behind the shadow of her parents.

I’m well aware that I can never please everybody. But my only hope is that my friends and family isn’t a part of that everybody.